Trapped

As I sat, locked in his car I thought to myself…how did I let myself get to this place…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can.

A couple of years ago I began a relationship…if you can even call it that, with a boy I met off of the internet. Yes boy. Not man. The beginning was ok, I was happy, I loved the long phone calls that carried on through the night completely messing up my sleep pattern and the weekends I would spend with him in the sun. It was fun. I was excited.

Very shortly after, I mean about a month or two… it all changed. Labels went on and off. Am I his girlfriend? Am I not? what is this? does he want someone else? or maybe more than one?

Insults cut deep, confusion felt like daggers of anxiety all attacking one place in my chest, losing sleep wasn’t for fun anymore, eating was non existent. I was losing who I was and I couldn’t even see it…my family would shout saying Ive changed, I’m not my mothers daughter or my brothers sister anymore. That I was sacrificing my family and friends to be with him. At the time I would scream back that I was still me, defending him and my personality at any cost…I couldn’t even see the jaundice in my eyes and the bone sticking out of my rib. Yet I still wanted him. Why? because I was being manipulated.

I had my chance to break free from it all. I did a whole month free of manipulation…I began to feel like me again. My brothers started to look me in the eyes…mum started chatting again, I reunited with my best friend who no longer wanted to talk to me because of him. But then one day I went back. One phone call was all it took to drag me back in and from that moment on it was completely different. I had no voice, no way out.

“Im doing this because I love you”

“Were going to get married”

“You’re everything to me”

Every time he placed a finger on me and grabbed me, I thought it was because he loved me. Every time he sped his car up, laughing menacingly as he saw the fright in my eyes, I thought it was because he loved me. Even when he crashed the car and wouldn’t take me to hospital for whiplash…I thought it was because he loved me. Insults were cutting deeper, my skin was paler, my eyes…oh my once happy gleaming eyes, untouched and unharmed were gone. Replaced with yellow whites and dark circles. I still didn’t think to talk. I Still thought this was normal. Thought it was just a rough patch. Until one day I was taken somewhere…

He told me he would be back in one hour. Told me he was going to get me dinner and drop some money off to a friends. I believed him. I heard the car door lock and thought nothing of it, I kinda liked it because I felt safe. But Hours had passed and still no show. My already anxious heart began to beat faster. It was well into the night when I decided to man up and try get out. Kicking the windows and doors with everything I had left in my body I pushed and pushed and pushed…until I realised my piercing scream wasn’t going to be heard by anybody. I was trapped.

Days went by before he came back. By that time I knew what I needed to do.

I spent the night with him in fear. I bode my time. Waited until he was asleep. Grabbed my phone from under his head and ran. I fled his house, heart thumping out of my chest. I ran and ran until I reached the train station. Jumping on the nearest one to me. I was free…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can….

Intent for content

x

Insecurity

Isn’t insecurity the most painful, mind consuming thing in the world? Doesn’t it take up so much of your time, happiness and headspace? As I sit here and write this I’m currently guilty of all of the above. The past 12 hours have been awful. I feel awful. I hate myself…but why? why do I do this?

Since I was a little girl I’ve always had slight insecurities but I was younger and not that fussed then. I don’t know how I’ve gotten to the point I am today. A complete mess. But i’m here and i’m trying to deal with it and as others would say… “get over myself”.

Its sad that society has a huge deal to do with this. That perfect image. Social media definitely doesn’t help. Realistically, everyone can say its all photo shop and filters, but a supermodel is still going to look like a supermodel without the filter. I mean it leads people to dark places, even getting surgery because they don’t feel good enough or like they match society’s idea of perfection. People, especially women, are destroying the beauty they were born with, going to far and getting hated on after its happened. If we took society, social media and comparisons out of the equation I bet 100% of women would be happier and prouder in there own skin.

The thoughts that consume my mind are that I am ugly. Im not worth it. Im a downgrade. Im fat. It constantly whirls round in my head and although sometimes I can leave it be…the thoughts are always there tip tapping back. My insecurity has destroyed my self confidence because I am constantly concerned that I am not a skinny girl with silicone on my chest and beautiful long blonde flowing hair. It makes me unhappy beyond belief and has made me so sensitive. I feel that once I have filler in my lips and extensions In my hair I will be better… why should I feel like that? Why should I change my image that I was happy with a few months ago because I don’t feel like i’m good enough?

I refuse to do this for much longer. I won’t keep putting myself down. I need to learn that comparison will always hurt me and that its not worth it because in reality…there will always be someone skinnier, someone will always be prettier and someone will always be smarter. But they will never be me…

Intent for Content

x

Him

I love the feeling of contentment. It feels like snuggling up inside your white fluffy dressing gown at the end of the day. Or jumping into a warm bath after being out in the freezing cold during winter. I love it. I can only describe contentment as being warm inside…

Thats how he makes me feel.

I’ve never searched for love. I haven’t felt like there is a dead line for it even though some may say there is. I think independence is truly beautiful, being your own person, having your own goals…thriving off of your own mindset. Love comes after that. I think the world has a way of bringing people in and out of your life to teach you that…although in doing so it sometimes hurts. A lot. But once you see love in other things and other people, your ready.

I wasn’t searching for him, but he came around at a perfect time. Not because I was unhappy and needed someone, but because I had learnt how to be content within myself and my life.

Why did I fall in love with him? It was the way he always made me feel secure…even though he didn’t need to in the beginning. I always and do always know where I stand with him. I like that. Its the little things he does, like checking if i’m hungry or want my usual drink…a glass of water, not forgetting the ice cubes, for extra coldness. I fell in love with him because he always tells me he loves me and makes me feel wanted, even though I may doubt myself sometimes. Or when we sing in the car, (its mostly him ), waiting to see who stops first because they’ve forgotten the words to the song, bursting into laughter afterwards. I love that. We don’t need to take things seriously, yet can if we want to. I think thats important when sharing your life with someone… finding that balance. The list goes on…I could express plenty of reasons why I love him but I don’t need to because the most important feeling I have is contentment.

You deserve to feel like your wrapped up in a fluffy white dressing gown every single day. Don’t accept anything less from life, wether you have a him, a her, or you. Jump into that warm bath…

Intent for content

x

Letter to my father

Dear Dad,

You no longer get to call yourself that. I waited for you. We waited for you.

You weren’t there. For anything or anyone. You missed us growing up, missed us blossoming into the people we are today. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, or Summer holiday. No show. Every doctors appointment, every haircut, every school play or parents evening…you weren’t there. You weren’t there for the tears, the laughter, the anger, the confusion as we grew up. Where were you?

What were you doing when you didn’t call? Didn’t send a birthday card or a Christmas present. Why, when you did eventually call, why did you lie to us?

“Your card is in the post”

“Ill see you very soon”

“I love you”

I remember the flip in my stomach after being let down by you once again. I don’t know why I would get my hopes up. Every. Single. Time.

You weren’t there that day when I came home from cleaning the horses out. Weren’t there to see my face when my brothers had amazing, expensive gifts in there hands and I had nothing. I didn’t care about the money or the value. I cared that you didn’t care.

It wasn’t just me you did this too…we all got our turn.

You promised your youngest a birthday present. Did you know he waited every single day for it from the day you called? No you didn’t. I remember him getting in from school and asking “did it come yet” or thinking that we maybe missed the delivery. You didn’t see his face when he realised it wasn’t coming. His chatter was silenced that day. Silenced because of you. You let him down.

What about your eldest? You missed his eighteenth birthday. How could you miss that? why would you miss it? what was more important?

I used to care. Used to think that you would come around one day but you won’t, and you won’t ever. You have missed your chance. I feel no sorrow….why? because our mothers incredible.

She has always and will always be there. She is the lightbulb in a darkened room. She picked up the pieces you left…no matter how much time or money it took. She worked long hours, providing for us three without your help. She has been there for every Christmas, birthday, summer holiday, doctors appointment, hair cut, school play and parents evening. She has laughed and cried and been confused and angry with us… she has felt every pressure and worry alone. Yet has never left us alone. How could you leave one woman with the weight of three worlds on her shoulders? The answer doesn’t matter though…because she did it without you. Without anyone.

She is the father I never had.

I am no longer bitter, no longer sad. Its not our loss…it is yours. Maybe one day when your all alone. You’ll see that.

Goodbye “Dad”

Intent For Content

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost In London

Ever gotten lost? felt that panic inside you as you have absolutely no idea where you are or how to get back. Well me too. I mean I get lost around my hometown way to often to put down on a page, but I can easily navigate my way out of that kinda lost, with my trusty sat nav…I love you iPhone.

I remember oh so clearly the time I got really lost. I did not have a bloody clue. I had been journeying up to London for a couple of weeks to see a friend. I knew the way I usually went. Start at Tunbridge wells railway station, change at Orpington, then again at Hither Green, then bam you’ve found the Dartford line hop on that and your their, no problem at all. However, this time all had changed for me…

I began my usual routine. Coffee at Tunbridge wells, Platform 1 for trains to the city. Not a problem. Had my ticket bought at the ready, had the good tunes playing on my Spotify, not a care in the world, happy days for me. I got to Orpington, like I had been doing for the past couple of weeks, however on arrival there everything had changed.

“Get to Grove Park for bus replacements to Hither Green”

“Change from platform 3 to 6 for Grove Park”

“Buses replace trains at the following stations”

Oh shit. Feeling a little panicked to begin with I followed the instructions the southeastern man was bellowing to passengers. Hopping on the train to Grove Park I thought to myself, Ive got this… I am a strong, independent woman. Disregarding the fact that I was seventeen years old and thought Grove Park was a play park not a place. On arrival at grove park I strode off thinking this would be an easy task. Well just to let you all know it went tits up from here.

This promised bus replacement was non existent. G R E A T. I ended up on a public London bus that went here there and everywhere. A woman, bless her, had told me that the bus went to Hither Green so with familarity in mind I trusted her and got on. Well one hour later I see a sign for Catford… Catford?!?! WHERE is that. Realising I was in fact near Lewisham I asked everyone on the bus if I was going to Hither Green or the Netherlands.

“Yes you are”

About 40 minutes later quite frankly feeling sick and wanting to go home I got off the bus. I walked for 20 minutes trying to find Hither Green station. By the time I arrived I was in tears. Anxiety bubbling In my body I got to the platform. No trains. In despair I sat on the platform crying.

Shortly after, I met Brian…omg Brian was the kindest most helpful worker I think SouthEastern has ever employed. He calmed me down and stood outside of Hither Green with me until I was sat on that replacement bus waving good bye to him. I would’ve probably sat on the platform until the trains were running again.

As for my friend… well were not friends anymore…

Now. If your ever planning a journey like mine…always remember to check trainline! haha.

Intent for Content x

 

 

Never forget to talk

Afternoon all,

I wanted to write this post in aid of mental health awareness day, as mental health is a topic I feel is important to talk about.

Through my job as a barista I’ve met and spoken to some incredible people and continue to do so. A couple of years ago I was told a story that has always stayed with me as I serve coffee on train station platforms.

A member of station staff approached the coffee shop one day and bought a cup of tea due to a delay on the railway line. This was because someone had decided to take there own life. He began to explain how this effects everyone around the victim. The family, the friends, the train driver suffering with PTSD and the witnesses…it reminded me of a droplet of water falling into a pool of water and the ripples which increase from the impact.

If that person or anyone for that matter had spoken to someone that day, I believe it would’ve helped. Talking makes you feel less alone, venting can help to heal. So many people feel they can’t talk about something thats on there mind. Maybe because there embarrassed or society has told them they need to bury there feelings but that is not the case. My inbox is always open for everyone, whenever or wherever Im here. Don’t feel alone, please.

Intent for content

x

My University planned a dog walk in aid of mental health awareness day. When thinking about it dogs are happy little beings so I thought it was a fantastic idea. Next year or even this year as their never needs to be a nominated day to talk about mental health I want to put together an even bigger dog walk, with more people, more dogs and more charities involved.

Holiday Hoopla

Whilst I sat on the rocks at sunrise it came to me that this was the only place I’ve been this holiday without an STD.

Now let’s rewind.

After 3 hours of chewing in my ear and no leg room, I arrived in Malia. I had the upmost optimism that I was going to spend the week nurturing a golden glow and forgetting about the diet, with an enormous bag of lays potato chips (they aren’t the same as walkers okay). Little did I know I was about to play holiday hoopla.

Obstacle one. Rejection. I didn’t realise how naive I could be until I was at brits bar. This was the hotspot for getting absolutely obliterated for as little as 10 euros. You would go to the bar men, pay your 10 euros then get unlimited drinks for one hour… what could go wrong? For the second night in a row I wound up in brits bar drinking and dancing with my friends. My friends were off on the pull, eyeing up anything or anyone that would give them the attention they needed for the night. This left me alone, which I was ok with as I was half sober and knew what I was doing. I decided to go and sit in the seating area of the bar. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I was approached by a man who had claimed to of been “watching me all night”. He sat down next to me, swirling his vodka red bull around in the glass as he spoke. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel with him, expressing that he knew I wanted to. Little did he know, I was on a completely separate page to him. I continued to decline politely, not wanting to embarrass him. He then lunged at me…I pushed him off and with more aggression this time explained that “I said no, so meant no”. A few turned there heads and eyes glanced to see what the drama was. He didn’t like this. Suddenly, I felt a huge thump in my side… the pain channelled across my rib cage and into my stomach. Confused and hurting I turned to see what had just happened. Did he really just kick me? Yes… yes he did. He murmured “don’t ever reject me” got up and walked away. In complete disbelief as to what had just happened, I decided to call It a night.

I was one game down into a long 72 hours. Obstacle two was commencing in 1 hour… I just didn’t know it yet. I decided to pick myself up from the incident last night and being made to sleep on the balcony whilst my friends decided to have a group session of sexual relations with strangers and carry on the day. I put my makeup on, scraped my crazy curls into a bun and slipped into my ditsy lace white dress, deciding to forget about the events of the last 24 hours and start again.

Game two commenced. I was having a somewhat good time at the beach party, I liked the music and the fruity drink I was sipping on out of a beach bucket… so not all was bad! My friends were actually with me too, we were all dancing, singing by the stage and taking selfies in the flashing lights, not caring about the other people around us. My friends didn’t look like they were looking to take people back with them either, the beach party was definitely going to make up for last nights disaster. However, it then turned pear shaped very quickly. I was filming the stage and the music for as little as one minute…turned around to find all my friends had completely disappeared. Feeling panicked I started to look for them. No sign. No sign by the toilets, no sign by the entrance, the exit, the bar, the stage…they were no where. omg. My heartbeat quickened at the thought of being alone. I left the party in search of them and began to roam the greek streets. Alone. The streets were busy, packed with men on mopeds who slowed down to look at me in my white dress, menacing grins spread across there faces because they knew I was alone and not from here. Fear resided in my body, it felt like nasty butterflies fighting in my stomach and throat as I carried on walking looking for my friends. Still no sign. After an hour of searching, panic quickening in my body by the second, the last straw was a greek man who grabbed me and ran his fingers across my waist, tapping on me like fingers on a keyboard. I ran. Ran back to the crumby hotel room with no air condition, tears streaming down my face because I hadn’t found my friends who could be anywhere and out of sheer fright. I got back to the hotel room and wanted my mum. It was like I was five years old again and having a nightmare where I screamed for mum to come into my bedroom and comfort me. Within a minute I had her on the other end of the phone, sobbing my heart out and explaining what had happened and that I wanted to come home. Within five minutes I was booked on the next flight home and my travel had been arranged. It was as if mum was involved in a life or death situation the way she managed to get me home and calm me down so quickly. I had lost the game of holiday hoopla…

At sunrise, I awoke. I saw my friends and some unfamiliar faces curled up in the single beds next to me. Well they’d made it back somehow, completely disregarding my existence. Picking up a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops, I headed towards the beach.

Alone, I sat on the rock reeling from the events of the last 48 hours. It was the most at peace I had been, my heartbeat returning to a normal beat. The sun was rising the warm glow spreading across the sapphire ocean and creeping up the beach, reflecting off of the stack of clean glasses on the side of the beach bar.  The Waves splashed calmly against the rock I was using as a chair, tickling my toes. It was so beautiful. Everyone back at the hotel was missing this for what? sex and booze.

Smiling I thought to myself… this rock is the only place without an STD.