As I drew smoke from this tiny, sphere like tube full of toxins I realised it was my tenth one today.
I inhaled the smoke into my lungs, breathing in and out, waiting for the chemicals to rush through my veins, into my blood and surge to my head. I craved the light headed feeling that made my eyes droop and my smile appear. The only smile I had at that moment in time. I wanted to feel the nicotine in my chest. I wanted the distraction from the thumping pain and the tight, tense feeling I couldn’t get rid of. The thoughts that were consuming my mind daily. The nicotine was a temporary fix, an addiction and a feeling that took me away from my other feelings.
Everytime I would panic or want to burst into tears, I would light a cigarette and inhale a huge drag of thick smoke. It made me feel better. It was the only thing I was cosuming besides coffee, as the tight tense feeling in my chest was dismembering my ability to eat normally…In fact it was dismembering me as a person.
These tiny, sphere like tubes full of toxins had my full attention for exactly 10 minutes each time, as that was approximately the time it took to consume one down to its very stub.
I wanted a way to ease the pain I was dealing with in the inside without resulting to something else.
I wanted the pain in my chest to disappear
I wanted a feeling to surge through my veins that resembled anything other than an immense sadness…
I wanted smocology.
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