Mister Muscles

He is not like many from here. He possesses an ora about him…positivity and kindness. However, his supportive voice can be considered rude at times, yet he speaks with truth and authority. He reminds me of myself sometimes, always doing something for someone else whether that’s standing outside in the pouring rain making sure a peer is ok or going the extra mile so someone has money and food.

I call him mister muscles because well…he is strong. He reaps strength, physically and mentally…He is one to be treasured and admired, one that deserves more than he can imagine. One that I had the pleasure of knowing.

My time knowing mister muscles has come to an end. As life proceeds to change and grow. Our paths are seperate, we weren’t meant to be on the same one. I say fate had something to do with it.

I won’t forget him though. I won’t forget what we would talk about, everything I would listen to, because I secretly enjoyed listening. He would tell me how he is protective over his father, and how he wants his significant other to be there with him when he is unwell and how he believes he was meant to do something bigger and better than those around him. He wants affection, love and connection. He will get it. He will get what he believes in, because good people will always win in the end. I can only hope no one changes him.

Good bye and good luck mister muscles, Maybe I will see you again one day…

Intent For Content

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My Bestfriend

She is strong,

She is beautiful,

She is powerful,

She is the kindest,

She is honest,

She is my bestfriend…

She knows when i’m sad and when i’m happy. She can detect how i’m feeling from a single message or a look. Thats what I love about her,

I admire her strength because oh has she faced things that some would cave to,

I admire her beauty because she has it inside and out, those close to her feel safe and respected, she lights up a room with her smile and confidence,

I admire her power, her opinion matters to me, she has the ability to set me straight and help me see things from anothers perspective,

I admire her kindness, anyone that knows her knows that she would do anything for anyone, she gives and gives, and will always make you feel included and wanted,

I admire her honesty, I find it rare in others honesty…but my best friend will tell you when you’re right or wrong, whether that suits you or it doesn’t, she is the realest,

I am proud of her. Proud that we have shared a friendship for the best part of 10 years. We may argue and disagree (sometimes more often than others) but we get through it and adapt to eachother growing up. We are individuals at different levels, but to eachother we are equals.

That is my best friend.

Intent For Content

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Love

Love is the most visible form of purity and happiness. Love shows the human kind as gentle and caring. Love breaks down our walls and opens our hearts. It makes us feel secure, warm and content. It is perfect, yet totally imperfect at the same time. A feeling that can surge our through our blood and create a beautiful form of euphoria…Love is a feeling that everybody craves and everybody imagines. Because when you have love you have wholeness.

Love is powerful. It can warm you up yet cool you down at the same time. Love can enter your head and your heart in such peculiar ways. It can motivate you, inspire you or crowd you and control you. Although pure…love can be dangerous.

Where and what we find love in is dangerous. Everyone wants to chase a feeling of euphoria. Whether we can induce it through somebody or something, we as humans love to feel happy and wanted and safe.

Love can change people, love most certainly is blind, love can hurt, love can control and belittle…

But love is great. Love is a treasure in a world full of dishonour. Love is a prize after we compete. Love is whole and strong…and pure.

Find love in everything not just people. Find love in the world, your family, your animals, your food, your friends, your life. Love surrounds us for it is the most visible form of purity and happiness.

I love love.

Intent For Content

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Him

I love the feeling of contentment. It feels like snuggling up inside your white fluffy dressing gown at the end of the day. Or jumping into a warm bath after being out in the freezing cold during winter. I love it. I can only describe contentment as being warm inside…

Thats how he makes me feel.

I’ve never searched for love. I haven’t felt like there is a dead line for it even though some may say there is. I think independence is truly beautiful, being your own person, having your own goals…thriving off of your own mindset. Love comes after that. I think the world has a way of bringing people in and out of your life to teach you that…although in doing so it sometimes hurts. A lot. But once you see love in other things and other people, your ready.

I wasn’t searching for him, but he came around at a perfect time. Not because I was unhappy and needed someone, but because I had learnt how to be content within myself and my life.

Why did I fall in love with him? It was the way he always made me feel secure…even though he didn’t need to in the beginning. I always and do always know where I stand with him. I like that. Its the little things he does, like checking if i’m hungry or want my usual drink…a glass of water, not forgetting the ice cubes, for extra coldness. I fell in love with him because he always tells me he loves me and makes me feel wanted, even though I may doubt myself sometimes. Or when we sing in the car, (its mostly him ), waiting to see who stops first because they’ve forgotten the words to the song, bursting into laughter afterwards. I love that. We don’t need to take things seriously, yet can if we want to. I think thats important when sharing your life with someone… finding that balance. The list goes on…I could express plenty of reasons why I love him but I don’t need to because the most important feeling I have is contentment.

You deserve to feel like your wrapped up in a fluffy white dressing gown every single day. Don’t accept anything less from life, wether you have a him, a her, or you. Jump into that warm bath…

Intent for content

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Letter to my father

Dear Dad,

You no longer get to call yourself that. I waited for you. We waited for you.

You weren’t there. For anything or anyone. You missed us growing up, missed us blossoming into the people we are today. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, or Summer holiday. No show. Every doctors appointment, every haircut, every school play or parents evening…you weren’t there. You weren’t there for the tears, the laughter, the anger, the confusion as we grew up. Where were you?

What were you doing when you didn’t call? Didn’t send a birthday card or a Christmas present. Why, when you did eventually call, why did you lie to us?

“Your card is in the post”

“Ill see you very soon”

“I love you”

I remember the flip in my stomach after being let down by you once again. I don’t know why I would get my hopes up. Every. Single. Time.

You weren’t there that day when I came home from cleaning the horses out. Weren’t there to see my face when my brothers had amazing, expensive gifts in there hands and I had nothing. I didn’t care about the money or the value. I cared that you didn’t care.

It wasn’t just me you did this too…we all got our turn.

You promised your youngest a birthday present. Did you know he waited every single day for it from the day you called? No you didn’t. I remember him getting in from school and asking “did it come yet” or thinking that we maybe missed the delivery. You didn’t see his face when he realised it wasn’t coming. His chatter was silenced that day. Silenced because of you. You let him down.

What about your eldest? You missed his eighteenth birthday. How could you miss that? why would you miss it? what was more important?

I used to care. Used to think that you would come around one day but you won’t, and you won’t ever. You have missed your chance. I feel no sorrow….why? because our mothers incredible.

She has always and will always be there. She is the lightbulb in a darkened room. She picked up the pieces you left…no matter how much time or money it took. She worked long hours, providing for us three without your help. She has been there for every Christmas, birthday, summer holiday, doctors appointment, hair cut, school play and parents evening. She has laughed and cried and been confused and angry with us… she has felt every pressure and worry alone. Yet has never left us alone. How could you leave one woman with the weight of three worlds on her shoulders? The answer doesn’t matter though…because she did it without you. Without anyone.

She is the father I never had.

I am no longer bitter, no longer sad. Its not our loss…it is yours. Maybe one day when your all alone. You’ll see that.

Goodbye “Dad”

Intent For Content

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Relationships

Relationships are never a straight forward thing. There is so much detail that comes with inviting another person into your life and letting them get to know every part of you…I think of it like the melting of an ice-cube. When you are alone you are this perfect, crystal clear ice cube. However, when you let another person into your life the ice cube starts to melt. Slowly, it heats up, you can see the condensation and the formation of a puddle of water as it starts to subside –  until you’ve got nothing left to be melted. So what once was this ice-cold dimensional sculpture lies there… now a puddle of warm water.

So much happens before the puddle of water is created. Dating, eating, drinking, laughing, crying, singing, shouting, confusion, mind games, missed calls, read messages, photos, journeys, long walks, second thoughts, games and misunderstanding. I could write lists and lists about what every individual goes through before they melt… but every ice-cube is different.

These things take time, everything takes time… if you want to be with someone you need to get to know every fine detail about them… I realised that last night after walking to the train station alone in the pouring rain. Maybe I need to be an ice-cube for a little while longer..