My Bestfriend

She is strong,

She is beautiful,

She is powerful,

She is the kindest,

She is honest,

She is my bestfriend…

She knows when i’m sad and when i’m happy. She can detect how i’m feeling from a single message or a look. Thats what I love about her,

I admire her strength because oh has she faced things that some would cave to,

I admire her beauty because she has it inside and out, those close to her feel safe and respected, she lights up a room with her smile and confidence,

I admire her power, her opinion matters to me, she has the ability to set me straight and help me see things from anothers perspective,

I admire her kindness, anyone that knows her knows that she would do anything for anyone, she gives and gives, and will always make you feel included and wanted,

I admire her honesty, I find it rare in others honesty…but my best friend will tell you when you’re right or wrong, whether that suits you or it doesn’t, she is the realest,

I am proud of her. Proud that we have shared a friendship for the best part of 10 years. We may argue and disagree (sometimes more often than others) but we get through it and adapt to eachother growing up. We are individuals at different levels, but to eachother we are equals.

That is my best friend.

Intent For Content

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The Breakup – Him

I thought I would miss him I really did. I thought it would be painful to crave his presence and the scent of his cologne. I thought I would worry about whether he is safe and eating properly, or not going out on the weekends and being tempted by drink and drugs. I really thought I would miss his presence and singing in the car with him…or the way he would get me a glass of water with extra ice cubes, because he knew I liked it cold…I really thought I would miss him.

But I didn’t and I still don’t. Because I remember the damage he did to me…

The mental cuts he placed upon my brain, from making me feel worthless, I remember them,

The worry and the pain he inflicted upon me as he went out and did whatever he wanted, I remember that,

The messages he would exchange between other women, making me doubt myself entirely, I remember them,

The day, he would kiss me tell me he loved me, go out, and not return home until the next day…I remember that,

The Monday morning after a heavy night when he would need to dip into my bank balance, I remember that,

The evening he cheated on me, came back and let me buy him dinner whilst he lied to my face, he was never going to tell me…I remember that,

The times he would make me feel like everything was my fault, oh those times that brought me to introvercy, I remember those,

The times he would tell me if I ever left him he would kill himself, I remember those…

I remember walking into that stella scented room on a sunday morning, not knowing what state I was going to find him in… he usually would be wearing a jumper, drenched in sweat from where his body was rejecting the substances he had been putting into it. His eyes would be swollen and his breath would smell of alcohol…there would be beer cans scattered across the room, which he had been using as a toilet because he was to paranoid to walk upstairs and use his own. His bones would stick out of his body as he would ask me to hold him to make him feel better…The routine was to cool his body down, get his jumper off, clear up the beer cans, get him a glass of water and sit with him until he was done with consuming the rest of the white substance he had left and wait for him to sober up. I learnt that he didn’t like being left on his own.

You see, I loved him so much. Every bone in his body I loved and I didn’t know why. That love I had for him began to deteriorate as his personality did. I became broken mentally as my whole life became consumed with this man that I could barely call a boyfriend. I tried to leave a lot but was mentally fatigued, I feared what he would do if I actually continued with the break up and moved on. I feel awful for breaking up with him so many times because no person should deal with that from there significant other, but he knew he could manipulate me back into his arms…he knew he possessed that power over me… he mentally abused me and he knew he did, and it is sad that he never apologised…apologised for snapping me in two and lying about anything and everything that he did not need to lie about to me.

I am devastated at the way it ended, I wanted to be civil and to end it with any love and respect we had left for each other. However, we didn’t. He pushed and pushed to make something work that just couldn’t until I couldn’t take it anymore, until I was so broken from everything that happened, everything that I had seen, every lie he had told me, all the money I had spent trying to help him and all the time and love I gave him… that I ended it with spite and hatred.

Now the break up is said and done I realise that I don’t miss him…I dont crave him or love him. I rarely think about him. Unless someone speaks to me about him or sends me a photo of him making an appearance on a night out. He is a stranger now…known as the man that broke me to the point of contemplating my own suicide…known as the man that was to selfish to realise that his lies and behaviour impacted the one he made his girlfriend to the distruction of her own mental health and physical health.

I hold no more feelings towards him. But I wish him to be healthy and happy. I wish that he finds someone he falls so deeply in love with that he doesn’t do to her what he did to me. I hope he never takes that powerful white substance again, the one that coloured his eyes and his heart black.

Break ups are horrible. They hurt and they wound you. I would say there is somewhat an aspect of PTSD involved with breaking up with someone. Everyone goes through a breakup at least once in there life…I get that some are harder than others. If you are going through a break up, please don’t feel alone. Talk to your family or me!…

Intent For Content

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p.s – I understand this blog contains sensitive information. I like to post content from all different aspects of my life – the good and the bad.

If you are in a mentally or physically abusive relationship please contact: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

or: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Love

Love is the most visible form of purity and happiness. Love shows the human kind as gentle and caring. Love breaks down our walls and opens our hearts. It makes us feel secure, warm and content. It is perfect, yet totally imperfect at the same time. A feeling that can surge our through our blood and create a beautiful form of euphoria…Love is a feeling that everybody craves and everybody imagines. Because when you have love you have wholeness.

Love is powerful. It can warm you up yet cool you down at the same time. Love can enter your head and your heart in such peculiar ways. It can motivate you, inspire you or crowd you and control you. Although pure…love can be dangerous.

Where and what we find love in is dangerous. Everyone wants to chase a feeling of euphoria. Whether we can induce it through somebody or something, we as humans love to feel happy and wanted and safe.

Love can change people, love most certainly is blind, love can hurt, love can control and belittle…

But love is great. Love is a treasure in a world full of dishonour. Love is a prize after we compete. Love is whole and strong…and pure.

Find love in everything not just people. Find love in the world, your family, your animals, your food, your friends, your life. Love surrounds us for it is the most visible form of purity and happiness.

I love love.

Intent For Content

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Him

I love the feeling of contentment. It feels like snuggling up inside your white fluffy dressing gown at the end of the day. Or jumping into a warm bath after being out in the freezing cold during winter. I love it. I can only describe contentment as being warm inside…

Thats how he makes me feel.

I’ve never searched for love. I haven’t felt like there is a dead line for it even though some may say there is. I think independence is truly beautiful, being your own person, having your own goals…thriving off of your own mindset. Love comes after that. I think the world has a way of bringing people in and out of your life to teach you that…although in doing so it sometimes hurts. A lot. But once you see love in other things and other people, your ready.

I wasn’t searching for him, but he came around at a perfect time. Not because I was unhappy and needed someone, but because I had learnt how to be content within myself and my life.

Why did I fall in love with him? It was the way he always made me feel secure…even though he didn’t need to in the beginning. I always and do always know where I stand with him. I like that. Its the little things he does, like checking if i’m hungry or want my usual drink…a glass of water, not forgetting the ice cubes, for extra coldness. I fell in love with him because he always tells me he loves me and makes me feel wanted, even though I may doubt myself sometimes. Or when we sing in the car, (its mostly him ), waiting to see who stops first because they’ve forgotten the words to the song, bursting into laughter afterwards. I love that. We don’t need to take things seriously, yet can if we want to. I think thats important when sharing your life with someone… finding that balance. The list goes on…I could express plenty of reasons why I love him but I don’t need to because the most important feeling I have is contentment.

You deserve to feel like your wrapped up in a fluffy white dressing gown every single day. Don’t accept anything less from life, wether you have a him, a her, or you. Jump into that warm bath…

Intent for content

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Letter to my father

Dear Dad,

You no longer get to call yourself that. I waited for you. We waited for you.

You weren’t there. For anything or anyone. You missed us growing up, missed us blossoming into the people we are today. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, or Summer holiday. No show. Every doctors appointment, every haircut, every school play or parents evening…you weren’t there. You weren’t there for the tears, the laughter, the anger, the confusion as we grew up. Where were you?

What were you doing when you didn’t call? Didn’t send a birthday card or a Christmas present. Why, when you did eventually call, why did you lie to us?

“Your card is in the post”

“Ill see you very soon”

“I love you”

I remember the flip in my stomach after being let down by you once again. I don’t know why I would get my hopes up. Every. Single. Time.

You weren’t there that day when I came home from cleaning the horses out. Weren’t there to see my face when my brothers had amazing, expensive gifts in there hands and I had nothing. I didn’t care about the money or the value. I cared that you didn’t care.

It wasn’t just me you did this too…we all got our turn.

You promised your youngest a birthday present. Did you know he waited every single day for it from the day you called? No you didn’t. I remember him getting in from school and asking “did it come yet” or thinking that we maybe missed the delivery. You didn’t see his face when he realised it wasn’t coming. His chatter was silenced that day. Silenced because of you. You let him down.

What about your eldest? You missed his eighteenth birthday. How could you miss that? why would you miss it? what was more important?

I used to care. Used to think that you would come around one day but you won’t, and you won’t ever. You have missed your chance. I feel no sorrow….why? because our mothers incredible.

She has always and will always be there. She is the lightbulb in a darkened room. She picked up the pieces you left…no matter how much time or money it took. She worked long hours, providing for us three without your help. She has been there for every Christmas, birthday, summer holiday, doctors appointment, hair cut, school play and parents evening. She has laughed and cried and been confused and angry with us… she has felt every pressure and worry alone. Yet has never left us alone. How could you leave one woman with the weight of three worlds on her shoulders? The answer doesn’t matter though…because she did it without you. Without anyone.

She is the father I never had.

I am no longer bitter, no longer sad. Its not our loss…it is yours. Maybe one day when your all alone. You’ll see that.

Goodbye “Dad”

Intent For Content

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Relationships

Relationships are never a straight forward thing. There is so much detail that comes with inviting another person into your life and letting them get to know every part of you…I think of it like the melting of an ice-cube. When you are alone you are this perfect, crystal clear ice cube. However, when you let another person into your life the ice cube starts to melt. Slowly, it heats up, you can see the condensation and the formation of a puddle of water as it starts to subside –  until you’ve got nothing left to be melted. So what once was this ice-cold dimensional sculpture lies there… now a puddle of warm water.

So much happens before the puddle of water is created. Dating, eating, drinking, laughing, crying, singing, shouting, confusion, mind games, missed calls, read messages, photos, journeys, long walks, second thoughts, games and misunderstanding. I could write lists and lists about what every individual goes through before they melt… but every ice-cube is different.

These things take time, everything takes time… if you want to be with someone you need to get to know every fine detail about them… I realised that last night after walking to the train station alone in the pouring rain. Maybe I need to be an ice-cube for a little while longer..