My Bestfriend

She is strong,

She is beautiful,

She is powerful,

She is the kindest,

She is honest,

She is my bestfriend…

She knows when i’m sad and when i’m happy. She can detect how i’m feeling from a single message or a look. Thats what I love about her,

I admire her strength because oh has she faced things that some would cave to,

I admire her beauty because she has it inside and out, those close to her feel safe and respected, she lights up a room with her smile and confidence,

I admire her power, her opinion matters to me, she has the ability to set me straight and help me see things from anothers perspective,

I admire her kindness, anyone that knows her knows that she would do anything for anyone, she gives and gives, and will always make you feel included and wanted,

I admire her honesty, I find it rare in others honesty…but my best friend will tell you when you’re right or wrong, whether that suits you or it doesn’t, she is the realest,

I am proud of her. Proud that we have shared a friendship for the best part of 10 years. We may argue and disagree (sometimes more often than others) but we get through it and adapt to eachother growing up. We are individuals at different levels, but to eachother we are equals.

That is my best friend.

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Fate

“The developments of events outside a persons control. Regarded as predetermined by a supernatural power”.

What do you think about fate?

Do you believe that everything in life happens for a reason?

I believe in fate. I believe that you can always hold on to the aspect of fate. Especially when things are tough…or even when they aren’t. I think one day we all end up exactly where we are supposed to be, with exactly who we’re supposed to be with. I like that. Thats what I tell myself. I make sure I remind myself of fate often because one day, the paths my life paints for me will be because of fate…and a little bit of direction.

For example making a career for myself, one that I am happy with, one that serves purpose and contentment for me. I don’t want to think to myself one day that I have regrets and didn’t experience what I was meant to experience. I want to write, whatever i’m doing I want to write. I know that. I believe fate will take me there.

Another one is relationships. I feel like I write a lot about love and relationships. I think its because I love the idea of being in love, I believe in love. I want love. That perfect person to snuggle up with at night, share how your days been, laugh and experience things together… and one that supports you in everything you do and vice versa. Sometimes I have craved love so much that I have rerouted my life to focus on that or a person. However, my mum reminded me of something that I never stop to think of…

“If someone is meant for you, they will make it work no matter the circumstance, no matter the distance and no matter the obstacle…and if they don’t then that person is not for you”. When contemplating this I believe that following this will allow fate to take its course so you end up with who you are meant to be with. Even if sometimes it is going to mean holding the door open for some…fate will take its due course.

I think those are the main details that lead me to fate. Other things such as friendship, travel, education, holidays and events all pave the way to how our lives are meant to end up.

Thats what I believe.

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The Breakup – Him

I thought I would miss him I really did. I thought it would be painful to crave his presence and the scent of his cologne. I thought I would worry about whether he is safe and eating properly, or not going out on the weekends and being tempted by drink and drugs. I really thought I would miss his presence and singing in the car with him…or the way he would get me a glass of water with extra ice cubes, because he knew I liked it cold…I really thought I would miss him.

But I didn’t and I still don’t. Because I remember the damage he did to me…

The mental cuts he placed upon my brain, from making me feel worthless, I remember them,

The worry and the pain he inflicted upon me as he went out and did whatever he wanted, I remember that,

The messages he would exchange between other women, making me doubt myself entirely, I remember them,

The day, he would kiss me tell me he loved me, go out, and not return home until the next day…I remember that,

The Monday morning after a heavy night when he would need to dip into my bank balance, I remember that,

The evening he cheated on me, came back and let me buy him dinner whilst he lied to my face, he was never going to tell me…I remember that,

The times he would make me feel like everything was my fault, oh those times that brought me to introvercy, I remember those,

The times he would tell me if I ever left him he would kill himself, I remember those…

I remember walking into that stella scented room on a sunday morning, not knowing what state I was going to find him in… he usually would be wearing a jumper, drenched in sweat from where his body was rejecting the substances he had been putting into it. His eyes would be swollen and his breath would smell of alcohol…there would be beer cans scattered across the room, which he had been using as a toilet because he was to paranoid to walk upstairs and use his own. His bones would stick out of his body as he would ask me to hold him to make him feel better…The routine was to cool his body down, get his jumper off, clear up the beer cans, get him a glass of water and sit with him until he was done with consuming the rest of the white substance he had left and wait for him to sober up. I learnt that he didn’t like being left on his own.

You see, I loved him so much. Every bone in his body I loved and I didn’t know why. That love I had for him began to deteriorate as his personality did. I became broken mentally as my whole life became consumed with this man that I could barely call a boyfriend. I tried to leave a lot but was mentally fatigued, I feared what he would do if I actually continued with the break up and moved on. I feel awful for breaking up with him so many times because no person should deal with that from there significant other, but he knew he could manipulate me back into his arms…he knew he possessed that power over me… he mentally abused me and he knew he did, and it is sad that he never apologised…apologised for snapping me in two and lying about anything and everything that he did not need to lie about to me.

I am devastated at the way it ended, I wanted to be civil and to end it with any love and respect we had left for each other. However, we didn’t. He pushed and pushed to make something work that just couldn’t until I couldn’t take it anymore, until I was so broken from everything that happened, everything that I had seen, every lie he had told me, all the money I had spent trying to help him and all the time and love I gave him… that I ended it with spite and hatred.

Now the break up is said and done I realise that I don’t miss him…I dont crave him or love him. I rarely think about him. Unless someone speaks to me about him or sends me a photo of him making an appearance on a night out. He is a stranger now…known as the man that broke me to the point of contemplating my own suicide…known as the man that was to selfish to realise that his lies and behaviour impacted the one he made his girlfriend to the distruction of her own mental health and physical health.

I hold no more feelings towards him. But I wish him to be healthy and happy. I wish that he finds someone he falls so deeply in love with that he doesn’t do to her what he did to me. I hope he never takes that powerful white substance again, the one that coloured his eyes and his heart black.

Break ups are horrible. They hurt and they wound you. I would say there is somewhat an aspect of PTSD involved with breaking up with someone. Everyone goes through a breakup at least once in there life…I get that some are harder than others. If you are going through a break up, please don’t feel alone. Talk to your family or me!…

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p.s – I understand this blog contains sensitive information. I like to post content from all different aspects of my life – the good and the bad.

If you are in a mentally or physically abusive relationship please contact: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

or: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Smocology

As I drew smoke from this tiny, sphere like tube full of toxins I realised it was my tenth one today.

I inhaled the smoke into my lungs, breathing in and out, waiting for the chemicals to rush through my veins, into my blood and surge to my head. I craved the light headed feeling that made my eyes droop and my smile appear. The only smile I had at that moment in time. I wanted to feel the nicotine in my chest. I wanted the distraction from the thumping pain and the tight, tense feeling I couldn’t get rid of. The thoughts that were consuming my mind daily. The nicotine was a temporary fix, an addiction and a feeling that took me away from my other feelings.

Everytime I would panic or want to burst into tears, I would light a cigarette and inhale a huge drag of thick smoke. It made me feel better. It was the only thing I was consuming besides coffee, as the tight tense feeling in my chest was dismembering my ability to eat normally…In fact it was dismembering me as a person.

These tiny, sphere like tubes full of toxins had my full attention for exactly 10 minutes each time, as that was approximately the time it took to consume one down to its very stub.

I wanted a way to ease the pain I was dealing with in the inside without resulting to something else.

I wanted the pain in my chest to disappear

I wanted a feeling to surge through my veins that resembled anything other than an immense sadness…

I wanted smocology.

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Weightloss

Have you ever felt pressured to lose weight? Ever been on a massive 7 day binge, eating anything and everything that falls on your pathway…or maybe felt like you need to lose 5 pounds before you agree to a date with that girl or guy? Whatever it is I understand. I have been there and still go back there. Sometimes the easier option is to swing into mcdonalds or eat copious amounts of french stick with butter…yum!

Now, a bit about me and how my journey became my journey!…

I have always struggled with my size from a young age, I never really knew when to say no to food or what was good for me and what wasn’t. However, I was active and did things such as bike riding, horse riding, swimming and always got dragged on bloody 10 mile dog walks with my mum…much to a younger girls delight!

My severe weight gain came when I was diagnosed with glandular fever. I had it very badly and couldn’t even find the energy to get out of bed some days because my body felt so weak that it was a challenging task. The tonsilitis was probably the worst part…as well as catching any germ that surfaced itself, as it would completely wipe my body out to unbearable extents. This is where the weight began to pile on badly. Where I wasn’t exercising and was constantly cooped up in doors…like a chicken in its hutch at night time, I filled a void with food. I didn’t have many friends during my time with glandular fever as they were all at school socialising, so I felt very much alone… which was also a contributing factor to gaining weight, as cheesy pasta became my best friend. The photo to the left of this paragraphs shows me at a whopping 17 stone which converted is 107 kg and 238 pounds. I was only 15 years old. This was an extremely bad weight to be at, especially at such a young age.

When it was time for me to ease back into school as my glandular fever was becoming weaker and my immune system was becoming stronger, I clung to food. It was my soul comfort when dealing with the anxieties of seeing everyone in my classes and wondering what everyone was thinking about when they saw I had grown a double chin and had a metaphorical tyre hanging off my stomach. I ate and ate and ate…junk food, pots of nutella, kinder bueno bars, crisps, burgers…everything. The worst part was I couldn’t stop and was using the now residing glandular fever as an excuse.

However, one day it clicked for me. I remember that day clearly at school. I could see my cellulite covered legs moving as I walked, showing clearly through my opaque school tights. I felt aware of the fat roll on my stomach as I sat down on my chair in citizenship studies…I grabbed my scarf and tried to hide my tummy with it…like that was going to make me 4 stone lighter. When I got home from school that day and walked up my stairs, I got out of breath, the feeling of breathlessness after walking up 12 steps was the tip of the iceburg for me. I knew then and there that I could not under any circumstances live my life like this. From that day then it all changed…

I put myself in an immediate calorie defecit. I went from consuming roughly 10,000 calories in fat and sugar to consuming 1500 calories in protein. I signed up for a gym membership and got myself down the gym 5 times a week after my school day had finished. I aimed to burn 300-500 calories a day whether that was on the cross trainer, bike or rowing machine. That was my goal. I achieved that goal and since then I haven’t gone back to my past.

Don’t get me wrong I do fall off the healthy band wagon, but that’s because i’m human and I am allowed to have good days and bad days. But my behaviour changes when I don’t eat properly or drink enough water or exercise. I feel lethargic and down and get bad headaches from consuming the junk food. So when I fall off, I always remember to get back on….

I hope you enjoyed reading

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Love

Love is the most visible form of purity and happiness. Love shows the human kind as gentle and caring. Love breaks down our walls and opens our hearts. It makes us feel secure, warm and content. It is perfect, yet totally imperfect at the same time. A feeling that can surge our through our blood and create a beautiful form of euphoria…Love is a feeling that everybody craves and everybody imagines. Because when you have love you have wholeness.

Love is powerful. It can warm you up yet cool you down at the same time. Love can enter your head and your heart in such peculiar ways. It can motivate you, inspire you or crowd you and control you. Although pure…love can be dangerous.

Where and what we find love in is dangerous. Everyone wants to chase a feeling of euphoria. Whether we can induce it through somebody or something, we as humans love to feel happy and wanted and safe.

Love can change people, love most certainly is blind, love can hurt, love can control and belittle…

But love is great. Love is a treasure in a world full of dishonour. Love is a prize after we compete. Love is whole and strong…and pure.

Find love in everything not just people. Find love in the world, your family, your animals, your food, your friends, your life. Love surrounds us for it is the most visible form of purity and happiness.

I love love.

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A London Luxury

So from my previous blog post “Dining in the sky”, which is on my page if you fancy a light read (gotta get a bit o self promo in whilst I can haha) I spoke about the shard and what it is like to go to one of the popular buildings of the city of London. I also want to talk about my experience at the London Sky Gardens…it was incredible!…

The queue outside of the prominent three story building was huge. Everyone was lining up at 20 Fenchurch street to witness the one of a kind 360 view of London and observe the beautifully crafted gardens inside.

We didn’t have to queue as we had reserved a table at Darwin brasserie inside the building. Upon entering the building the ground floor was beautiful. It had pristine tiled floors which glistened as the bright unpigmented lights shone down on them. There was a sculpted backdrop of deep green foliage, overlooking the reception desk where stood three women and a man ready to greet us with beaming smiles. My smile would always be bright if I worked in such an elegant building like the one at 20 Fenchurch Street.

The building overlooked all the city. You could not hide anything from this picturesque view. It looks elegant and beautiful…something you may not imagine it could be from ground level.

Now I don’t want to give a crazy amount away and post all of the photographs I took in case some of you wanted to go witness the beauty for yourselves, however I will post a couple for those wanting to observe from the comfort of there homes haha.

After going up the escaltor (which for reference was super speedy just like the shards…maybe its a massive building thing to have sonic fast escalators!) we arrived at the gardens and the restaurants. It was absolutely breath taking, I myself was mesmorised by the botanical plants that stood before me. They were absolutley gorgeous. I loved following the steps inside the garden which led to more botanicals…it completeley surrounded the resturants, bars and cafes like a magical plant kingdom. It was outstanding to witness. The gardens made me feel like I was in a dream and my brain had designed this little kingdom for me to explore…everything was cut, watered, sculpted, planted and placed down to the very last detail to make the experience an unforgettable one for the sky gardens visitors.

We wandered around taking in as much as our eyes could gather at once as there was so much going on…so much to go “Wow!!” at. We then made our way to the Darwin brasserie to be amazed further. The food was incredible, honestly I cannot even describe it. My tastebuds were super happy as I ate the freshly prepared food and drank my hand squeezed pure orange juice. I was living the dream. The staff were equally amazing, they made me feel like I was a royal with a bank account designed for the luxurious life. My mum and I spoke to the beautiful lady who was looking after us during our time at the resturant and she told us how happy her job made her, because she got to witness such an incredible view and place every single day.

The botanical gardens with a wee bit of background music.

Above is a little video for you all to have a look at what I was witnessing. It really doesn’t do the building justice…I only wish I spent longer up there to be mesmorised and take good videos for everyone, haha.

The cheesecake was the best ever…beautiful and creamy with the best biscuit texture.

Here are some photos of the lovely food we ordered

Overall my experience at Sky Gardens in London was mindblowing, incredible and truly beautiful. It exceeded my expectations and I only ased to go back there this morning before I wrote this post haha. The buildings prominence in the city provides it with a total uniqueness as it gives visitors the oppurtunty to witness London at a 360 view. If you have been thinking about visiting Sky Garden I 100% recommend…in fact you might see me up there living in the clean cut plants and beginning a new life…

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