Solitude – Creative Writing Stories University

My solitude had grown wary but today, yes today was the day where I would change that, finally. Today is the day where I tell you my story, the story that has brought me to this place and time to tell you all from a different world…

I had every-thing people would dream and describe happiness is. The diamonds, the cars, the watches, the latest technology and lets not forget the mansion. I had everything that society says can bring peace and happiness, I had money and security. But I didn’t have him. 

I was alone with everything we had built together. I would wake up with the pain of what had happened and an empty space next to me as I turned over. This was, every…single…day. I stopped smiling, laughing, dancing and cooking in the kitchen amongst all of the quirky hanging signs we had picked out together. I was a demoralising presence to be around. Yet I couldn’t change. They say heartache is meant to get better, eventually one day, but it wasn’t going to for me.

I watched them kill him. Watched them propel the knife back and forth, immediately penetrating through his skin and into his body. They had a hold of me. I kicked and shoved and bit with all of my might trying to get them off me, trying to get to him, my love, my life, before it was too late. My wail was piercing, I wanted them to do something, anything, stop it. They could of taken everything off of me; the diamonds, the cars, the watches and the mansion. I wouldn’t of cared…but they took him. The piece of my life that matched my heart and soul. The piece that took me as far away from the solitude that wore thin in my eyes and my heart from gut wrenching loneliness. I saw him struggling, saw him helpless, I saw him losing his breath, I saw him look at me as he was dying before my eyes. I saw his lips mouth “I love you” before he collapsed to the floor with nothing left to save him. I saw him die. 

They did that to him. They did that to us. Those four men whom had been hired as hit men to solve a drug insolvency. Those four men that were idiotic enough to be involved in a murder, let alone the murder of an honest innocent man. My man. Destroyed his life and mine. They slaughtered him as if he was nothing, they didn’t listen to my scream. They weren’t going to hear us out, there mission was to kill.

I waited approximately five hundred and two days in solitude before it grew wary. I was in unbelievable pain, silence and loneliness every day. Nothing I did was good enough, absolutely nothing took the pain away. Only he could. I needed to be with him, I couldn’t go on without him. I wanted the security and happiness that oozed off of his character back. I needed him. 

Which is why on that dark dreary day in Wolverhampton I decided my solitude was over, it had worn thin… 

I was found hanging from the balcony in my mansion, surrounded by the riches and lavish things in a home we had built together. I had so much going for me, we had so much planned for our future, yet it was all destroyed. Only to be found by that mail man the next morning. It was over. That’s it, that’s my story. That is how I died, wanting to be with him. 

Contentment

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Trapped

As I sat, locked in his car I thought to myself…how did I let myself get to this place…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can.

A couple of years ago I began a relationship…if you can even call it that, with a boy I met off of the internet. Yes boy. Not man. The beginning was ok, I was happy, I loved the long phone calls that carried on through the night completely messing up my sleep pattern and the weekends I would spend with him in the sun. It was fun. I was excited.

Very shortly after, I mean about a month or two… it all changed. Labels went on and off. Am I his girlfriend? Am I not? what is this? does he want someone else? or maybe more than one?

Insults cut deep, confusion felt like daggers of anxiety all attacking one place in my chest, losing sleep wasn’t for fun anymore, eating was non existent. I was losing who I was and I couldn’t even see it…my family would shout saying Ive changed, I’m not my mothers daughter or my brothers sister anymore. That I was sacrificing my family and friends to be with him. At the time I would scream back that I was still me, defending him and my personality at any cost…I couldn’t even see the jaundice in my eyes and the bone sticking out of my rib. Yet I still wanted him. Why? because I was being manipulated.

I had my chance to break free from it all. I did a whole month free of manipulation…I began to feel like me again. My brothers started to look me in the eyes…mum started chatting again, I reunited with my best friend who no longer wanted to talk to me because of him. But then one day I went back. One phone call was all it took to drag me back in and from that moment on it was completely different. I had no voice, no way out.

“Im doing this because I love you”

“Were going to get married”

“You’re everything to me”

Every time he placed a finger on me and grabbed me, I thought it was because he loved me. Every time he sped his car up, laughing menacingly as he saw the fright in my eyes, I thought it was because he loved me. Even when he crashed the car and wouldn’t take me to hospital for whiplash…I thought it was because he loved me. Insults were cutting deeper, my skin was paler, my eyes…oh my once happy gleaming eyes, untouched and unharmed were gone. Replaced with yellow whites and dark circles. I still didn’t think to talk. I Still thought this was normal. Thought it was just a rough patch. Until one day I was taken somewhere…

He told me he would be back in one hour. Told me he was going to get me dinner and drop some money off to a friends. I believed him. I heard the car door lock and thought nothing of it, I kinda liked it because I felt safe. But Hours had passed and still no show. My already anxious heart began to beat faster. It was well into the night when I decided to man up and try get out. Kicking the windows and doors with everything I had left in my body I pushed and pushed and pushed…until I realised my piercing scream wasn’t going to be heard by anybody. I was trapped.

Days went by before he came back. By that time I knew what I needed to do.

I spent the night with him in fear. I bode my time. Waited until he was asleep. Grabbed my phone from under his head and ran. I fled his house, heart thumping out of my chest. I ran and ran until I reached the train station. Jumping on the nearest one to me. I was free…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can….

Intent for content

x

Insecurity

Isn’t insecurity the most painful, mind consuming thing in the world? Doesn’t it take up so much of your time, happiness and headspace? As I sit here and write this I’m currently guilty of all of the above. The past 12 hours have been awful. I feel awful. I hate myself…but why? why do I do this?

Since I was a little girl I’ve always had slight insecurities but I was younger and not that fussed then. I don’t know how I’ve gotten to the point I am today. A complete mess. But i’m here and i’m trying to deal with it and as others would say… “get over myself”.

Its sad that society has a huge deal to do with this. That perfect image. Social media definitely doesn’t help. Realistically, everyone can say its all photo shop and filters, but a supermodel is still going to look like a supermodel without the filter. I mean it leads people to dark places, even getting surgery because they don’t feel good enough or like they match society’s idea of perfection. People, especially women, are destroying the beauty they were born with, going to far and getting hated on after its happened. If we took society, social media and comparisons out of the equation I bet 100% of women would be happier and prouder in there own skin.

The thoughts that consume my mind are that I am ugly. Im not worth it. Im a downgrade. Im fat. It constantly whirls round in my head and although sometimes I can leave it be…the thoughts are always there tip tapping back. My insecurity has destroyed my self confidence because I am constantly concerned that I am not a skinny girl with silicone on my chest and beautiful long blonde flowing hair. It makes me unhappy beyond belief and has made me so sensitive. I feel that once I have filler in my lips and extensions In my hair I will be better… why should I feel like that? Why should I change my image that I was happy with a few months ago because I don’t feel like i’m good enough?

I refuse to do this for much longer. I won’t keep putting myself down. I need to learn that comparison will always hurt me and that its not worth it because in reality…there will always be someone skinnier, someone will always be prettier and someone will always be smarter. But they will never be me…

Intent for Content

x

Never forget to talk

Afternoon all,

I wanted to write this post in aid of mental health awareness day, as mental health is a topic I feel is important to talk about.

Through my job as a barista I’ve met and spoken to some incredible people and continue to do so. A couple of years ago I was told a story that has always stayed with me as I serve coffee on train station platforms.

A member of station staff approached the coffee shop one day and bought a cup of tea due to a delay on the railway line. This was because someone had decided to take there own life. He began to explain how this effects everyone around the victim. The family, the friends, the train driver suffering with PTSD and the witnesses…it reminded me of a droplet of water falling into a pool of water and the ripples which increase from the impact.

If that person or anyone for that matter had spoken to someone that day, I believe it would’ve helped. Talking makes you feel less alone, venting can help to heal. So many people feel they can’t talk about something thats on there mind. Maybe because there embarrassed or society has told them they need to bury there feelings but that is not the case. My inbox is always open for everyone, whenever or wherever Im here. Don’t feel alone, please.

Intent for content

x

My University planned a dog walk in aid of mental health awareness day. When thinking about it dogs are happy little beings so I thought it was a fantastic idea. Next year or even this year as their never needs to be a nominated day to talk about mental health I want to put together an even bigger dog walk, with more people, more dogs and more charities involved.