Contentment

A Personal Perspective

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

My Bestfriend

relationships

She is strong,

She is beautiful,

She is powerful,

She is the kindest,

She is honest,

She is my bestfriend…

She knows when i’m sad and when i’m happy. She can detect how i’m feeling from a single message or a look. Thats what I love about her,

I admire her strength because oh has she faced things that some would cave to,

I admire her beauty because she has it inside and out, those close to her feel safe and respected, she lights up a room with her smile and confidence,

I admire her power, her opinion matters to me, she has the ability to set me straight and help me see things from anothers perspective,

I admire her kindness, anyone that knows her knows that she would do anything for anyone, she gives and gives, and will always make you feel included and wanted,

I admire her honesty, I find it rare in others honesty…but my best friend will tell you when you’re right or wrong, whether that suits you or it doesn’t, she is the realest,

I am proud of her. Proud that we have shared a friendship for the best part of 10 years. We may argue and disagree (sometimes more often than others) but we get through it and adapt to eachother growing up. We are individuals at different levels, but to eachother we are equals.

That is my best friend.

Intent For Content

x

Blurred Lines

stories

Connecting with people can be difficult. When you’re meant to click with someone you just do, however, lines can be blurred and paths can be crossed…

Not long ago two people began to blur the lines of friendship in my life. Anyone that knows me knows that I like to make people happy. I am a self confessed people pleaser. Even though at times it has landed me in hot water and back fired on me.

I became close with this pair during my last few years at school. I was happy to have there friendship, we would do fun things like go shopping, or to the cinema and parties together. Like it should be when you’re in a friendship group. We would talk and laugh and gossip just like young girls do…we never really fell out, even though that is common with girls as we’re sensitive. All was good, they contributed to making my education less of a serious affair.

But one day, I had gotten a job. I was working and earning money weekly, I would work hard, long hours, 6am shifts and always strive for more. Both of them had jobs themselves but they seemed to never have any money. We would go for food in our break times and free periods…they used to pay but the bill always fell on my lap.

“I’ve lost my card”

“I’m hungry”

“I have no money for dinner, sorry I didn’t tell you”

“Can I have this for my birthday?”

“I didn’t buy a train ticket can you cover for me?”

To all of these questions my answer would be yes. I would always help them whenever they needed it. I never wanted them to go without. The costs would mount on me weekly. It was like I had two children that I never gave birth too…

Well one day I snapped. I was fed up…I had been doing this for six months. Always caring for them. On my birthday I didn’t even get a card. I felt so unappreciated after everything I did for them always going one step further to show they were valued in my life. They didn’t care. So I snapped. I told them how I felt and lost my entire friendship group. I was alone. No one wanted to talk to me or understand my point. Friends I had years before they came along no longer bothered with me. It spun on me to make me look evil. I never wanted that to happen, or to be portrayed as some demon. I just wanted a thank you…

They blurred the lines of our friendship.

No one ever notices when you’re being provoked, just when you retaliate.

Intent For Content

x

Holiday Hoopla

stories

Whilst I sat on the rocks at sunrise it came to me that this was the only place I’ve been this holiday without an STD.

Now let’s rewind.

After 3 hours of chewing in my ear and no leg room, I arrived in Malia. I had the upmost optimism that I was going to spend the week nurturing a golden glow and forgetting about the diet, with an enormous bag of lays potato chips (they aren’t the same as walkers okay). Little did I know I was about to play holiday hoopla.

Obstacle one. Rejection. I didn’t realise how naive I could be until I was at brits bar. This was the hotspot for getting absolutely obliterated for as little as 10 euros. You would go to the bar men, pay your 10 euros then get unlimited drinks for one hour… what could go wrong? For the second night in a row I wound up in brits bar drinking and dancing with my friends. My friends were off on the pull, eyeing up anything or anyone that would give them the attention they needed for the night. This left me alone, which I was ok with as I was half sober and knew what I was doing. I decided to go and sit in the seating area of the bar. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I was approached by a man who had claimed to of been “watching me all night”. He sat down next to me, swirling his vodka red bull around in the glass as he spoke. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel with him, expressing that he knew I wanted to. Little did he know, I was on a completely separate page to him. I continued to decline politely, not wanting to embarrass him. He then lunged at me…I pushed him off and with more aggression this time explained that “I said no, so meant no”. A few turned there heads and eyes glanced to see what the drama was. He didn’t like this. Suddenly, I felt a huge thump in my side… the pain channelled across my rib cage and into my stomach. Confused and hurting I turned to see what had just happened. Did he really just kick me? Yes… yes he did. He murmured “don’t ever reject me” got up and walked away. In complete disbelief as to what had just happened, I decided to call It a night.

I was one game down into a long 72 hours. Obstacle two was commencing in 1 hour… I just didn’t know it yet. I decided to pick myself up from the incident last night and being made to sleep on the balcony whilst my friends decided to have a group session of sexual relations with strangers and carry on the day. I put my makeup on, scraped my crazy curls into a bun and slipped into my ditsy lace white dress, deciding to forget about the events of the last 24 hours and start again.

Game two commenced. I was having a somewhat good time at the beach party, I liked the music and the fruity drink I was sipping on out of a beach bucket… so not all was bad! My friends were actually with me too, we were all dancing, singing by the stage and taking selfies in the flashing lights, not caring about the other people around us. My friends didn’t look like they were looking to take people back with them either, the beach party was definitely going to make up for last nights disaster. However, it then turned pear shaped very quickly. I was filming the stage and the music for as little as one minute…turned around to find all my friends had completely disappeared. Feeling panicked I started to look for them. No sign. No sign by the toilets, no sign by the entrance, the exit, the bar, the stage…they were no where. omg. My heartbeat quickened at the thought of being alone. I left the party in search of them and began to roam the greek streets. Alone. The streets were busy, packed with men on mopeds who slowed down to look at me in my white dress, menacing grins spread across there faces because they knew I was alone and not from here. Fear resided in my body, it felt like nasty butterflies fighting in my stomach and throat as I carried on walking looking for my friends. Still no sign. After an hour of searching, panic quickening in my body by the second, the last straw was a greek man who grabbed me and ran his fingers across my waist, tapping on me like fingers on a keyboard. I ran. Ran back to the crumby hotel room with no air condition, tears streaming down my face because I hadn’t found my friends who could be anywhere and out of sheer fright. I got back to the hotel room and wanted my mum. It was like I was five years old again and having a nightmare where I screamed for mum to come into my bedroom and comfort me. Within a minute I had her on the other end of the phone, sobbing my heart out and explaining what had happened and that I wanted to come home. Within five minutes I was booked on the next flight home and my travel had been arranged. It was as if mum was involved in a life or death situation the way she managed to get me home and calm me down so quickly. I had lost the game of holiday hoopla…

At sunrise, I awoke. I saw my friends and some unfamiliar faces curled up in the single beds next to me. Well they’d made it back somehow, completely disregarding my existence. Picking up a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops, I headed towards the beach.

Alone, I sat on the rock reeling from the events of the last 48 hours. It was the most at peace I had been, my heartbeat returning to a normal beat. The sun was rising the warm glow spreading across the sapphire ocean and creeping up the beach, reflecting off of the stack of clean glasses on the side of the beach bar.  The Waves splashed calmly against the rock I was using as a chair, tickling my toes. It was so beautiful. Everyone back at the hotel was missing this for what? sex and booze.

Smiling I thought to myself… this rock is the only place without an STD.