We’re not just students

A Personal Perspective, Uncategorised

University.

It’s not just appearing to lectures, going to the library, studying in your personal time and submissions. Students will understand this. Whether you’re a student that goes partying all the time spending your overdrat because hey its interest free right, so why not? or one that enjoys being introverted, maybe with a book or a netflix binge after the popular cheap meal of a £1.00 pizza or a pasta and sauce…either way, after countless conversations and a couple of twitter threads with people across the UK and even some in America! I’ve been able to establish some regular, unexplained thoughts that a student deals with.

  1. Loneliness – this is a huge, however, strange feeling a student experiences. You can be surrounded by so many people, those you’re living with, studying with or going out with yet feel completely alone. I’ve felt like this. I find it hard to explain to people because you can’t really. It’s a pang of feeling that randomly comes over you yet overrides you.
  2. Insecurity – THIS is an important one for some people. How could it not be, we’re all teenagers living in blocks of flats or shared housing together – It is human instinct to compare. I did this a LOT when I first moved here… I did it so much that I spent hundreds of pounds on hair extensions so I could find some form of confidence. I have realised now since settling that to put your mind in such a negative space is dangerous, especially when you are miles away from home.
  3. Self deprication – As students we compare ourselves and our ability academically to others which is an additive to the comparison problems…it leads to thoughts such as “why am I here” “Have I made the right decision”…”They’re better than me”.
  4. Money – I spose there have been some positives and negatives to having 7p in my account…its a mad one but it is severely stressful to so many students – loans not covering your rent, parents are f**king skint and so are you, so you crumble under the financial pressure waiting for future employers to get back to you to pay you minimum wage whilst balancing lectures, sleep a social life and getting work done – Although I hate to admit it, having no money has helped me to focus in on what really matters, the people around me…the living not the life kinda thing. – I will always understand that unexplained feeling though… I get it!

I wanted to write about these thoughts and feelings because of the conversations I’ve had and the amount of people that have agreed with me is scary – but I have gotten them to talk about it, not suffer in there own mind and find a place of calm. There is a lot of stigma around students and student life, mostly associated with partying…but what about the rest? Sometimes people think we all have it so easy…

We’re not just students.

Intent for content

x

p.s – a lot of you have been getting in touch from my instagram (tatianaxmurray) and I love it! That is where I am mostly if you ever need to find me or want me to write a follow up post about university, hmu! xx

Across the Ocean

Travel, Places & Lifestyle

In June my best friend and I decided to book a trip across the ocean. We wanted to relax by a pool with the sweltering but beautiful heat hitting our skin turning our milk bottle complexions into pretty olive skin. We wanted to eat and drink and visit the seaside and be happy and at peace from reality for the week. And we did. Turkey was the most incredible holiday ever. I am so glad we booked to go, I wish we had made the decision to stay longer because I could’ve been there for weeks let alone 7 days…which in reality is 5 days due to travelling across the ocean and onto roads whilst catching up on the time difference and tanning routine.

When we arrived in Alanya Turkey we instantly felt the heat hit our faces. Obviously English weather is a tad bit different because it is either raining, freezing cold or we have had a couple days of dry weather, so we were in tracksuits equipped to walk the English streets, not the Turkish ones haha. After the boring bits were completed like passport control (which for anyone wondering about Turkey, you have to purchase a visa to enter the country beforehand online), and our airport transfer. We arrived at side crown sunshine.

The hotel was amazing, it was beautifully lit and had a bar, water fountain and indoor and outdoor seating areas. It was dark when we got there so we looked out from the balcony and saw the pool lit up and the sun loungers just waiting for us. Dinner was being served in the all inclusive resorts resturant, we realised it was mostly German and Polish orientated food…apart from the baclava (my FAV dessert) which I filled up on immediatley.

The resort at night time when standing by the pool

We spent the rest of the week sunbathing, laughing, mucking around, watching the shows in the evenings, eating and sleeping. Much to the Germans delight, who didn’t take a shining to us as the only English people there. That was the only negative I would say about the holiday. The resort was dominated by those whom had come from Germany, they would stare at us both and judge our every move. One night a woman physically moved away from us in disgust. It was quite confusing as I always treat everybody the way I like to be treated; I always smile, hold doors open, say please and thank you and help when help is needed. So I was quite shocked to be judged in that kind of way.

However, we didn’t let it affect us to the point where it ruined our holiday. We still had the best time and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Side Crown Sunshine in Alanya served us well…me a little too well as I try to burn off the pancakes, ice cream, turkish rice and baclava now I am back in the U.K….

My favourite parts of the holiday were definitley watching the shows in the evening whilst drinking vodka lemon and when we went to the beach during the day. My mum always did call me a water baby and I have always loved the sea…especially when it is super choppy with waves as you can have more fun diving into them or trying to avoid them. I also loved the fact that I was stress free and completley confident for the week I was out there. Maybe it was because no one there knew me so it helped.

Trying to master balancing and breathing in on the wall outside our room – a talent for the CV in my opinion haha.

I was truly content in Turkey. It was the perfect way to book end the summer season before I began at university…and make some memories I will always remember.

Intent For Content

x

Contentment

A Personal Perspective

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Blurred Lines

stories

Connecting with people can be difficult. When you’re meant to click with someone you just do, however, lines can be blurred and paths can be crossed…

Not long ago two people began to blur the lines of friendship in my life. Anyone that knows me knows that I like to make people happy. I am a self confessed people pleaser. Even though at times it has landed me in hot water and back fired on me.

I became close with this pair during my last few years at school. I was happy to have there friendship, we would do fun things like go shopping, or to the cinema and parties together. Like it should be when you’re in a friendship group. We would talk and laugh and gossip just like young girls do…we never really fell out, even though that is common with girls as we’re sensitive. All was good, they contributed to making my education less of a serious affair.

But one day, I had gotten a job. I was working and earning money weekly, I would work hard, long hours, 6am shifts and always strive for more. Both of them had jobs themselves but they seemed to never have any money. We would go for food in our break times and free periods…they used to pay but the bill always fell on my lap.

“I’ve lost my card”

“I’m hungry”

“I have no money for dinner, sorry I didn’t tell you”

“Can I have this for my birthday?”

“I didn’t buy a train ticket can you cover for me?”

To all of these questions my answer would be yes. I would always help them whenever they needed it. I never wanted them to go without. The costs would mount on me weekly. It was like I had two children that I never gave birth too…

Well one day I snapped. I was fed up…I had been doing this for six months. Always caring for them. On my birthday I didn’t even get a card. I felt so unappreciated after everything I did for them always going one step further to show they were valued in my life. They didn’t care. So I snapped. I told them how I felt and lost my entire friendship group. I was alone. No one wanted to talk to me or understand my point. Friends I had years before they came along no longer bothered with me. It spun on me to make me look evil. I never wanted that to happen, or to be portrayed as some demon. I just wanted a thank you…

They blurred the lines of our friendship.

No one ever notices when you’re being provoked, just when you retaliate.

Intent For Content

x

Happiness

A Personal Perspective

Happiness is one of the most vital ingredients you need in life. It leads to contentment. Happiness provides you with security and independence. It helps you strive to be greater, prouder or smarter. When you don’t have happiness you can feel the affects it has on you. It can completely dull your life. Being unhappy can lead to fatigue, failure and a lack of life.

When I observe other people and there lives I can see that happiness is provided in different ways. Maybe through another person or an animal (part of my happiness definitely comes from doggies), maybe through exercise, or eating, or singing, maybe dancing and drinking. So many aspects can contribute to a persons happiness… I love studying it and learning what makes a person different from another.

When deciding what makes me happy I try not to focus on other people. Just because life can change in seconds, those people could leave. I’ve learnt as I’ve grown up that sometimes you only have you. You can have all the money and friends in the world but it can all be taken away from you at the click of your fingers, it is un-promised. I find my happiness through music, a walk along the beach or writing. I enjoy doing stuff alone and being in my own little head space. I feel content. The rest of my happiness is an added bonus but I know that if something got taken away from me, I would know what I had to do to be happy.

I think at the end of the day you can have all the brands, money, cars and gadgets but they don’t create memories. Memories over money. Every. Single. Day.

If someone asked me to write down what the most important thing in life was before I died, it would be happiness. Always happiness. I’m not saying it is easy to be happy all the time because sadness is an aspect to life, we’re human, we feel things. But through these other aspects of life…find happiness and choose it.

Intent For Content

x

Him

relationships

I love the feeling of contentment. It feels like snuggling up inside your white fluffy dressing gown at the end of the day. Or jumping into a warm bath after being out in the freezing cold during winter. I love it. I can only describe contentment as being warm inside…

Thats how he makes me feel.

I’ve never searched for love. I haven’t felt like there is a dead line for it even though some may say there is. I think independence is truly beautiful, being your own person, having your own goals…thriving off of your own mindset. Love comes after that. I think the world has a way of bringing people in and out of your life to teach you that…although in doing so it sometimes hurts. A lot. But once you see love in other things and other people, your ready.

I wasn’t searching for him, but he came around at a perfect time. Not because I was unhappy and needed someone, but because I had learnt how to be content within myself and my life.

Why did I fall in love with him? It was the way he always made me feel secure…even though he didn’t need to in the beginning. I always and do always know where I stand with him. I like that. Its the little things he does, like checking if i’m hungry or want my usual drink…a glass of water, not forgetting the ice cubes, for extra coldness. I fell in love with him because he always tells me he loves me and makes me feel wanted, even though I may doubt myself sometimes. Or when we sing in the car, (its mostly him ), waiting to see who stops first because they’ve forgotten the words to the song, bursting into laughter afterwards. I love that. We don’t need to take things seriously, yet can if we want to. I think thats important when sharing your life with someone… finding that balance. The list goes on…I could express plenty of reasons why I love him but I don’t need to because the most important feeling I have is contentment.

You deserve to feel like your wrapped up in a fluffy white dressing gown every single day. Don’t accept anything less from life, wether you have a him, a her, or you. Jump into that warm bath…

Intent for content

x

Lost In London

stories

Ever gotten lost? felt that panic inside you as you have absolutely no idea where you are or how to get back. Well me too. I mean I get lost around my hometown way to often to put down on a page, but I can easily navigate my way out of that kinda lost, with my trusty sat nav…I love you iPhone.

I remember oh so clearly the time I got really lost. I did not have a bloody clue. I had been journeying up to London for a couple of weeks to see a friend. I knew the way I usually went. Start at Tunbridge wells railway station, change at Orpington, then again at Hither Green, then bam you’ve found the Dartford line hop on that and your their, no problem at all. However, this time all had changed for me…

I began my usual routine. Coffee at Tunbridge wells, Platform 1 for trains to the city. Not a problem. Had my ticket bought at the ready, had the good tunes playing on my Spotify, not a care in the world, happy days for me. I got to Orpington, like I had been doing for the past couple of weeks, however on arrival there everything had changed.

“Get to Grove Park for bus replacements to Hither Green”

“Change from platform 3 to 6 for Grove Park”

“Buses replace trains at the following stations”

Oh shit. Feeling a little panicked to begin with I followed the instructions the southeastern man was bellowing to passengers. Hopping on the train to Grove Park I thought to myself, Ive got this… I am a strong, independent woman. Disregarding the fact that I was seventeen years old and thought Grove Park was a play park not a place. On arrival at grove park I strode off thinking this would be an easy task. Well just to let you all know it went tits up from here.

This promised bus replacement was non existent. G R E A T. I ended up on a public London bus that went here there and everywhere. A woman, bless her, had told me that the bus went to Hither Green so with familarity in mind I trusted her and got on. Well one hour later I see a sign for Catford… Catford?!?! WHERE is that. Realising I was in fact near Lewisham I asked everyone on the bus if I was going to Hither Green or the Netherlands.

“Yes you are”

About 40 minutes later quite frankly feeling sick and wanting to go home I got off the bus. I walked for 20 minutes trying to find Hither Green station. By the time I arrived I was in tears. Anxiety bubbling In my body I got to the platform. No trains. In despair I sat on the platform crying.

Shortly after, I met Brian…omg Brian was the kindest most helpful worker I think SouthEastern has ever employed. He calmed me down and stood outside of Hither Green with me until I was sat on that replacement bus waving good bye to him. I would’ve probably sat on the platform until the trains were running again.

As for my friend… well were not friends anymore…

Now. If your ever planning a journey like mine…always remember to check trainline! haha.

Intent for Content x