Contentment

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Comparison

Comparison is something that is always on my mind, Im always comparing myself thinking that I’m nothing compared to others, I pick apart my appearance and what makes me happy because of the way others look. It’s crazy that I actually allow myself to do this and cause myself unhappiness.

I thought it was just me until I was watching the tv last night. It was a dating programme. I was listening to these women talking about there past relationships. They had been cheated on and I was listening to them blame theirselves and question their appearance. I watched them crying as they spoke about comparing theirselves to the other person, it is not fair that women and maybe even men are made to feel like this either by another person or social media.

But what can help? I think about how I handle comparison…I handle it awfully. It sends me into a zone of insecurity I constantly look at the person I’m comparing myself to and think the worst.

However this week I feel as if I have had a break through within myself after constant doubting. I think my main source of happiness comes from exercise. I mean it takes a lot of motivation to get me into the gym but once I’m there I am happy and always try my best…then I leave satisfied with endorphins bouncing off of me. This week I haven’t thought so many disgusting thoughts about myself and my appearance which is what is normally bombarding my head and my heart. I have been exercising, taking care of myself and working. Now I sit here and write this post I am feeling content about me as a person, I am doing ok, I am doing better…and now I feel I know what to do if I am ever feeling down about myself. That is to exercise. However, I don’t expect to be completely clear of comparison.

To give anyone any advice. Although everyone is different. Never blame yourself for others actions and find an outlet that makes you happy and doesn’t involve others…

Intent For Content x

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The Poison Predicament

I was shuddering uncontrollably, the pain seeping through my system like an electric shock. The colour violet replaced my once rosy cheeks, draining my olive coloured skin until it was yellow. Throbbing pulsated on my ankle, travelling up my leg, almost as if someone was running a knife through me. My vision dipped in and out of focus as I tried to concentrate on getting to my phone…

I awoke in hospital. Everything was fuzzy, I could only feel the warmth in my cheeks as I tried to wiggle my toes and move my legs. It was a dull feeling of pins and needles. Almost as if someone had strapped me down onto the hospital bed and I couldn’t escape. I rolled my head to the side and saw my mum. Worry spread across her face, especially her eyes, as she watched her daughter lay nearly lifeless before her.

Doctors surrounded me, as if I was priority. Poking and prodding at me trying to figure out what was wrong and why I couldn’t feel anything. I felt weak as I watched the drip I was attached to feed me like I was a little baby again and that was my plastic spoon. Hushed voices chimed in sync together, discussing and determining what was happening, pointing at the only clue they had…the blister on my ankle. It was now a hole. Black, red and purple mixing together and settling around it to indicate something was wrong. That’s what poisoned me…that little patch where my trainer had rubbed and broken the skin It was covering…that’s what nearly killed me…

Sepsis.

All of the following facts and descriptions come from sepsis trust: https://sepsistrust.org

  • Sepsis affects 25,000 children each year in the UK
  • Sepsis kills 44,000 people every year in the UK
  • Sepsis kills 5 people every hour in the UK

Sepsis is the body’s overwhelming and life-threatening response to infection that can lead to tissue damage, organ failure and death. Medically, sepsis is your body’s immune system over responding to an infection.

Donate to sepsis trust to help educate individuals and support those who have suffered from sepsis. I was incredibly lucky too of been made a priority on arrival at conquest hospital Hastings. I will always be grateful.

Intent For Content

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Blurred Lines

Connecting with people can be difficult. When you’re meant to click with someone you just do, however, lines can be blurred and paths can be crossed…

Not long ago two people began to blur the lines of friendship in my life. Anyone that knows me knows that I like to make people happy. I am a self confessed people pleaser. Even though at times it has landed me in hot water and back fired on me.

I became close with this pair during my last few years at school. I was happy to have there friendship, we would do fun things like go shopping, or to the cinema and parties together. Like it should be when you’re in a friendship group. We would talk and laugh and gossip just like young girls do…we never really fell out, even though that is common with girls as we’re sensitive. All was good, they contributed to making my education less of a serious affair.

But one day, I had gotten a job. I was working and earning money weekly, I would work hard, long hours, 6am shifts and always strive for more. Both of them had jobs themselves but they seemed to never have any money. We would go for food in our break times and free periods…they used to pay but the bill always fell on my lap.

“I’ve lost my card”

“I’m hungry”

“I have no money for dinner, sorry I didn’t tell you”

“Can I have this for my birthday?”

“I didn’t buy a train ticket can you cover for me?”

To all of these questions my answer would be yes. I would always help them whenever they needed it. I never wanted them to go without. The costs would mount on me weekly. It was like I had two children that I never gave birth too…

Well one day I snapped. I was fed up…I had been doing this for six months. Always caring for them. On my birthday I didn’t even get a card. I felt so unappreciated after everything I did for them always going one step further to show they were valued in my life. They didn’t care. So I snapped. I told them how I felt and lost my entire friendship group. I was alone. No one wanted to talk to me or understand my point. Friends I had years before they came along no longer bothered with me. It spun on me to make me look evil. I never wanted that to happen, or to be portrayed as some demon. I just wanted a thank you…

They blurred the lines of our friendship.

No one ever notices when you’re being provoked, just when you retaliate.

Intent For Content

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Happiness

Happiness is one of the most vital ingredients you need in life. It leads to contentment. Happiness provides you with security and independence. It helps you strive to be greater, prouder or smarter. When you don’t have happiness you can feel the affects it has on you. It can completely dull your life. Being unhappy can lead to fatigue, failure and a lack of life.

When I observe other people and there lives I can see that happiness is provided in different ways. Maybe through another person or an animal (part of my happiness definitely comes from doggies), maybe through exercise, or eating, or singing, maybe dancing and drinking. So many aspects can contribute to a persons happiness… I love studying it and learning what makes a person different from another.

When deciding what makes me happy I try not to focus on other people. Just because life can change in seconds, those people could leave. I’ve learnt as I’ve grown up that sometimes you only have you. You can have all the money and friends in the world but it can all be taken away from you at the click of your fingers, it is un-promised. I find my happiness through music, a walk along the beach or writing. I enjoy doing stuff alone and being in my own little head space. I feel content. The rest of my happiness is an added bonus but I know that if something got taken away from me, I would know what I had to do to be happy.

I think at the end of the day you can have all the brands, money, cars and gadgets but they don’t create memories. Memories over money. Every. Single. Day.

If someone asked me to write down what the most important thing in life was before I died, it would be happiness. Always happiness. I’m not saying it is easy to be happy all the time because sadness is an aspect to life, we’re human, we feel things. But through these other aspects of life…find happiness and choose it.

Intent For Content

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Trapped

As I sat, locked in his car I thought to myself…how did I let myself get to this place…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can.

A couple of years ago I began a relationship…if you can even call it that, with a boy I met off of the internet. Yes boy. Not man. The beginning was ok, I was happy, I loved the long phone calls that carried on through the night completely messing up my sleep pattern and the weekends I would spend with him in the sun. It was fun. I was excited.

Very shortly after, I mean about a month or two… it all changed. Labels went on and off. Am I his girlfriend? Am I not? what is this? does he want someone else? or maybe more than one?

Insults cut deep, confusion felt like daggers of anxiety all attacking one place in my chest, losing sleep wasn’t for fun anymore, eating was non existent. I was losing who I was and I couldn’t even see it…my family would shout saying Ive changed, I’m not my mothers daughter or my brothers sister anymore. That I was sacrificing my family and friends to be with him. At the time I would scream back that I was still me, defending him and my personality at any cost…I couldn’t even see the jaundice in my eyes and the bone sticking out of my rib. Yet I still wanted him. Why? because I was being manipulated.

I had my chance to break free from it all. I did a whole month free of manipulation…I began to feel like me again. My brothers started to look me in the eyes…mum started chatting again, I reunited with my best friend who no longer wanted to talk to me because of him. But then one day I went back. One phone call was all it took to drag me back in and from that moment on it was completely different. I had no voice, no way out.

“Im doing this because I love you”

“Were going to get married”

“You’re everything to me”

Every time he placed a finger on me and grabbed me, I thought it was because he loved me. Every time he sped his car up, laughing menacingly as he saw the fright in my eyes, I thought it was because he loved me. Even when he crashed the car and wouldn’t take me to hospital for whiplash…I thought it was because he loved me. Insults were cutting deeper, my skin was paler, my eyes…oh my once happy gleaming eyes, untouched and unharmed were gone. Replaced with yellow whites and dark circles. I still didn’t think to talk. I Still thought this was normal. Thought it was just a rough patch. Until one day I was taken somewhere…

He told me he would be back in one hour. Told me he was going to get me dinner and drop some money off to a friends. I believed him. I heard the car door lock and thought nothing of it, I kinda liked it because I felt safe. But Hours had passed and still no show. My already anxious heart began to beat faster. It was well into the night when I decided to man up and try get out. Kicking the windows and doors with everything I had left in my body I pushed and pushed and pushed…until I realised my piercing scream wasn’t going to be heard by anybody. I was trapped.

Days went by before he came back. By that time I knew what I needed to do.

I spent the night with him in fear. I bode my time. Waited until he was asleep. Grabbed my phone from under his head and ran. I fled his house, heart thumping out of my chest. I ran and ran until I reached the train station. Jumping on the nearest one to me. I was free…

Manipulation is a powerful technique, it’s also very dangerous. When you’re being manipulated you yourself cannot see it, however, others can….

Intent for content

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