Contentment

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Bubble

A Spherical, transparent bubble, with just a hint of colour residing at the bottom. It floats steadily in the air, only bursting when something interferes with the calmness in the air.

It’s almost like humans. We’re all in our own bubble, we all have our own preferences. We burst if something or someone interferes with our energy. We are all different bubbles, everyone is unique. We attach to one another and float together…sometimes we detach to another bubble to find another one. Wether thats family, friends, relationships…we all detach and reattach at some point. 

I like to think of it like that. When I feel lonely or have lost someone or something I look at myself as a bubble. It helps put things into perspective. Wether thats feeling lonely, or missing someone, or being completely happy. I’m a bubble, detaching and reattaching all the time…floating. Calmly.

Intent For Content 

x

Hiya all! hope your all well and thank you for following me… I am now on Twitter and Instagram, would love to follow you and engage more 🙂 Have a lovely week. 

Twitter @intent4content

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Puppy Pandemonium

The most gorgeous, dependant little beings too of been brought into the world were these brightly coloured, fluffy puppies. It was the best 6 weeks of my entire life watching them cause complete chaos in my family dining room…tiny little paws padding about there puppy pen, finding ways to do what we call “a puppy jail break” when no one was watching and there mum was having a well deserved break from feeding them.

We watched them grow and develop there cheeky characters for weeks. They played like children, bouncing about the pen jumping on each other and bumping heads because coordination was non existent at such a young age. Chewing the cardboard and empty plastic milk bottles we’d given to amuse them when we couldn’t give them the attention they required… in hopes they wouldn’t try to tumble about the rest of the house and across the carpets.

When I would come in from work I would climb into the pen and sit, crossing my legs as 8 fluffy heads bounded towards me, jumping into my lap and pawing at my legs until they were scooped up and cuddled, licking my face and neck in excitement. After hurtling about for an hour, I would watch there tiny blue eyes start to waver and them flop into a warm, fuzzy pile in the corner, one on top of the other as they’d lost all there energy…which wasn’t hard to do for such tiny animals. The dining room would be silenced as they slept, we would wait for the little squeaks and yaps to come back as they re awoke, ready to start all over again…

 

Comparison

Comparison is something that is always on my mind, Im always comparing myself thinking that I’m nothing compared to others, I pick apart my appearance and what makes me happy because of the way others look. It’s crazy that I actually allow myself to do this and cause myself unhappiness.

I thought it was just me until I was watching the tv last night. It was a dating programme. I was listening to these women talking about there past relationships. They had been cheated on and I was listening to them blame theirselves and question their appearance. I watched them crying as they spoke about comparing theirselves to the other person, it is not fair that women and maybe even men are made to feel like this either by another person or social media.

But what can help? I think about how I handle comparison…I handle it awfully. It sends me into a zone of insecurity I constantly look at the person I’m comparing myself to and think the worst.

However this week I feel as if I have had a break through within myself after constant doubting. I think my main source of happiness comes from exercise. I mean it takes a lot of motivation to get me into the gym but once I’m there I am happy and always try my best…then I leave satisfied with endorphins bouncing off of me. This week I haven’t thought so many disgusting thoughts about myself and my appearance which is what is normally bombarding my head and my heart. I have been exercising, taking care of myself and working. Now I sit here and write this post I am feeling content about me as a person, I am doing ok, I am doing better…and now I feel I know what to do if I am ever feeling down about myself. That is to exercise. However, I don’t expect to be completely clear of comparison.

To give anyone any advice. Although everyone is different. Never blame yourself for others actions and find an outlet that makes you happy and doesn’t involve others…

Intent For Content x

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Letter to my father

Dear Dad,

You no longer get to call yourself that. I waited for you. We waited for you.

You weren’t there. For anything or anyone. You missed us growing up, missed us blossoming into the people we are today. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter, or Summer holiday. No show. Every doctors appointment, every haircut, every school play or parents evening…you weren’t there. You weren’t there for the tears, the laughter, the anger, the confusion as we grew up. Where were you?

What were you doing when you didn’t call? Didn’t send a birthday card or a Christmas present. Why, when you did eventually call, why did you lie to us?

“Your card is in the post”

“Ill see you very soon”

“I love you”

I remember the flip in my stomach after being let down by you once again. I don’t know why I would get my hopes up. Every. Single. Time.

You weren’t there that day when I came home from cleaning the horses out. Weren’t there to see my face when my brothers had amazing, expensive gifts in there hands and I had nothing. I didn’t care about the money or the value. I cared that you didn’t care.

It wasn’t just me you did this too…we all got our turn.

You promised your youngest a birthday present. Did you know he waited every single day for it from the day you called? No you didn’t. I remember him getting in from school and asking “did it come yet” or thinking that we maybe missed the delivery. You didn’t see his face when he realised it wasn’t coming. His chatter was silenced that day. Silenced because of you. You let him down.

What about your eldest? You missed his eighteenth birthday. How could you miss that? why would you miss it? what was more important?

I used to care. Used to think that you would come around one day but you won’t, and you won’t ever. You have missed your chance. I feel no sorrow….why? because our mothers incredible.

She has always and will always be there. She is the lightbulb in a darkened room. She picked up the pieces you left…no matter how much time or money it took. She worked long hours, providing for us three without your help. She has been there for every Christmas, birthday, summer holiday, doctors appointment, hair cut, school play and parents evening. She has laughed and cried and been confused and angry with us… she has felt every pressure and worry alone. Yet has never left us alone. How could you leave one woman with the weight of three worlds on her shoulders? The answer doesn’t matter though…because she did it without you. Without anyone.

She is the father I never had.

I am no longer bitter, no longer sad. Its not our loss…it is yours. Maybe one day when your all alone. You’ll see that.

Goodbye “Dad”

Intent For Content

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost In London

Ever gotten lost? felt that panic inside you as you have absolutely no idea where you are or how to get back. Well me too. I mean I get lost around my hometown way to often to put down on a page, but I can easily navigate my way out of that kinda lost, with my trusty sat nav…I love you iPhone.

I remember oh so clearly the time I got really lost. I did not have a bloody clue. I had been journeying up to London for a couple of weeks to see a friend. I knew the way I usually went. Start at Tunbridge wells railway station, change at Orpington, then again at Hither Green, then bam you’ve found the Dartford line hop on that and your their, no problem at all. However, this time all had changed for me…

I began my usual routine. Coffee at Tunbridge wells, Platform 1 for trains to the city. Not a problem. Had my ticket bought at the ready, had the good tunes playing on my Spotify, not a care in the world, happy days for me. I got to Orpington, like I had been doing for the past couple of weeks, however on arrival there everything had changed.

“Get to Grove Park for bus replacements to Hither Green”

“Change from platform 3 to 6 for Grove Park”

“Buses replace trains at the following stations”

Oh shit. Feeling a little panicked to begin with I followed the instructions the southeastern man was bellowing to passengers. Hopping on the train to Grove Park I thought to myself, Ive got this… I am a strong, independent woman. Disregarding the fact that I was seventeen years old and thought Grove Park was a play park not a place. On arrival at grove park I strode off thinking this would be an easy task. Well just to let you all know it went tits up from here.

This promised bus replacement was non existent. G R E A T. I ended up on a public London bus that went here there and everywhere. A woman, bless her, had told me that the bus went to Hither Green so with familarity in mind I trusted her and got on. Well one hour later I see a sign for Catford… Catford?!?! WHERE is that. Realising I was in fact near Lewisham I asked everyone on the bus if I was going to Hither Green or the Netherlands.

“Yes you are”

About 40 minutes later quite frankly feeling sick and wanting to go home I got off the bus. I walked for 20 minutes trying to find Hither Green station. By the time I arrived I was in tears. Anxiety bubbling In my body I got to the platform. No trains. In despair I sat on the platform crying.

Shortly after, I met Brian…omg Brian was the kindest most helpful worker I think SouthEastern has ever employed. He calmed me down and stood outside of Hither Green with me until I was sat on that replacement bus waving good bye to him. I would’ve probably sat on the platform until the trains were running again.

As for my friend… well were not friends anymore…

Now. If your ever planning a journey like mine…always remember to check trainline! haha.

Intent for Content x