Its time to say hello

Hey! I am Tatiana Murray (Tatz for short) and this is my blog, Intent for Content. I have kept my name annoymous for over a year now but I am ready, ready to open my life completely to anyone who may stumble across my blog, accidentally or on purpose. I feared how people who know me would react, would they laugh at my stories, my experiences or my little anecdotes? but I no longer care. Welcome to my world! this is me….

A bit about me, where do I even start!

I am 19 years old, I go to University and I am studying English Literature and Creative Writing (which explains some of my maybe deeper more emotional posts). I love to read, love to exercise – but also eat 900 krispy kreme donuts in one sitting, I started this blog over a year ago now and the response via the viewers i’ve gotten has been amazing! I have loved connecting with people from across the world and I love this kind of community, even though sometimes what I publish could go down well or the opposite. I have always been in touch with writing and even more so now I am doing a degree dedicated to improving the way I write…I am obsessed with documenting everything, I film and log my life every day (maybe I should be a youtuber and not a blogger ahahah) because making memories is so important…especially if you’re ever having a down day.

I sometimes wear makeup and I sometimes don’t, I am sometimes pale yet sometimes tanned, I sometimes have short hair but sometimes its long, I sometimes put weight on and sometimes I don’t and I am ALWAYS happy, but sometimes sad. I cherish my family and friends and I cherish the moments with more money and with less and that is how I make life the best.

So to finish my little introduction here are some photos to flick through – there will be many more… Thank you so much for reading… this has been,

Intent for Content, By Tatiana Murray

x

Solitude – Creative Writing Stories University

My solitude had grown wary but today, yes today was the day where I would change that, finally. Today is the day where I tell you my story, the story that has brought me to this place and time to tell you all from a different world…

I had every-thing people would dream and describe happiness is. The diamonds, the cars, the watches, the latest technology and lets not forget the mansion. I had everything that society says can bring peace and happiness, I had money and security. But I didn’t have him. 

I was alone with everything we had built together. I would wake up with the pain of what had happened and an empty space next to me as I turned over. This was, every…single…day. I stopped smiling, laughing, dancing and cooking in the kitchen amongst all of the quirky hanging signs we had picked out together. I was a demoralising presence to be around. Yet I couldn’t change. They say heartache is meant to get better, eventually one day, but it wasn’t going to for me.

I watched them kill him. Watched them propel the knife back and forth, immediately penetrating through his skin and into his body. They had a hold of me. I kicked and shoved and bit with all of my might trying to get them off me, trying to get to him, my love, my life, before it was too late. My wail was piercing, I wanted them to do something, anything, stop it. They could of taken everything off of me; the diamonds, the cars, the watches and the mansion. I wouldn’t of cared…but they took him. The piece of my life that matched my heart and soul. The piece that took me as far away from the solitude that wore thin in my eyes and my heart from gut wrenching loneliness. I saw him struggling, saw him helpless, I saw him losing his breath, I saw him look at me as he was dying before my eyes. I saw his lips mouth “I love you” before he collapsed to the floor with nothing left to save him. I saw him die. 

They did that to him. They did that to us. Those four men whom had been hired as hit men to solve a drug insolvency. Those four men that were idiotic enough to be involved in a murder, let alone the murder of an honest innocent man. My man. Destroyed his life and mine. They slaughtered him as if he was nothing, they didn’t listen to my scream. They weren’t going to hear us out, there mission was to kill.

I waited approximately five hundred and two days in solitude before it grew wary. I was in unbelievable pain, silence and loneliness every day. Nothing I did was good enough, absolutely nothing took the pain away. Only he could. I needed to be with him, I couldn’t go on without him. I wanted the security and happiness that oozed off of his character back. I needed him. 

Which is why on that dark dreary day in Wolverhampton I decided my solitude was over, it had worn thin… 

I was found hanging from the balcony in my mansion, surrounded by the riches and lavish things in a home we had built together. I had so much going for me, we had so much planned for our future, yet it was all destroyed. Only to be found by that mail man the next morning. It was over. That’s it, that’s my story. That is how I died, wanting to be with him. 

The British Airways i360 – Brighton

Hey everyone!

So, this evenings post is dedicated to the British Airways i360 which is based in Brighton. For those unsure, British Airways is a plane company who decided to design the i360 as an attraction for those visiting or living in Brighton can enjoy.

When driving along the promenade in Brighton the attraction is prominent from all places and directions in the surrounding area. You cannot miss it as it is a whopping 450 feet. A circular, passenger viewing pod slowly moves up and down the vertical post it is attached to as customers of the i360 can observe and enjoy the outstanding views that many may not even be aware that Brighton has.

I went up the attraction a couple of weeks ago. It cost around about £20.00 for a standard ticket, however, there is an option of going V.I.P and being treated to food and drinks at ground level as you witness the seafront before stepping into the pod. The staff are friendly as you queue to go into the private area to wait for its decent downwards.

I wont give away the exact look of the pod inside for those interested in going! But it was a perfect way to view the city of Brighton. When inside I overlooked all the buildings and the people striding along the seafront enjoying there day. I had time to take in everything the city had to show at a completley different angle. It was incredible to just relax and witness the sun shining down and photograph everything.

You see things like that interest me haha. It was a unique way to view a city I live so close to – only a train ride away. The photo below is one I took from nearly the highest point. You can see for miles and miles…it was beautiful.

So, if you ever are in Brighton have a little look for yourself…

Intent For Content

x

Another World

I have had two readings from a physcic now. I found both to be very different yet very interesting. The experience is a shocking yet calming one. I felt at peace and somewhat connected to this other world which was being provided through this woman. My first physcic reading I went to at a time when their was a lot going on in my world, confusion and pain but also happiness…

I walked into Odettes front room and immediatley she stated that two relatives were in the room. My grandfathers.

“We’ve been watching you”

“Your room is diabological”

“You keep lying”

“Your head is in the clouds, face reality and get your shit together”

Those are some of the things that were communicated to me through Odette. To be quite frank they were spot on.

I was lying to people to cover for somebody…who thank god isn’t in my life anymore.

My room was diabological…which for the record is now emacculate because I moved back home to where I belong.

My head was in the clouds because I wasn’t listening to anybody, I thought that I was always right and I could make a decision about my life when I wanted to…I needed to listen, I needed to focus and grasp what people were trying to explain to me kindly.

I was mesmorised for the hour that I was in this lovely womans presence. It was such a different experience and Odette exerted such a normal personality until these spirits (if you can call them that im not to sure!) came to the surface. She was straight up and you could see that she wouldn’t be interuppted. The way I would describe it would be as if her head and ears hadn’t connected together to listen and understand what her mouth was saying…it was interesting to witness!

Now, I know their is speculation when discussing this other world and many different opinions. Some believe in it and base serious decisions off of these mediums whereas others think it is a load of crap. I think both sides have valid points because how can we prove it through these people, is their evidence that we can see with our own eyes instead of listen with our own ears? But how do these people know parts of us that we haven’t spoken about…how can they make such vast comments about things that haven’t happened yet…

What do you think?

Is this another world?

Intent For Content

x

Contentment

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Weightloss

Have you ever felt pressured to lose weight? Ever been on a massive 7 day binge, eating anything and everything that falls on your pathway…or maybe felt like you need to lose 5 pounds before you agree to a date with that girl or guy? Whatever it is I understand. I have been there and still go back there. Sometimes the easier option is to swing into mcdonalds or eat copious amounts of french stick with butter…yum!

Now, a bit about me and how my journey became my journey!…

I have always struggled with my size from a young age, I never really knew when to say no to food or what was good for me and what wasn’t. However, I was active and did things such as bike riding, horse riding, swimming and always got dragged on bloody 10 mile dog walks with my mum…much to a younger girls delight!

My severe weight gain came when I was diagnosed with glandular fever. I had it very badly and couldn’t even find the energy to get out of bed some days because my body felt so weak that it was a challenging task. The tonsilitis was probably the worst part…as well as catching any germ that surfaced itself, as it would completely wipe my body out to unbearable extents. This is where the weight began to pile on badly. Where I wasn’t exercising and was constantly cooped up in doors…like a chicken in its hutch at night time, I filled a void with food. I didn’t have many friends during my time with glandular fever as they were all at school socialising, so I felt very much alone… which was also a contributing factor to gaining weight, as cheesy pasta became my best friend. The photo to the left of this paragraphs shows me at a whopping 17 stone which converted is 107 kg and 238 pounds. I was only 15 years old. This was an extremely bad weight to be at, especially at such a young age.

When it was time for me to ease back into school as my glandular fever was becoming weaker and my immune system was becoming stronger, I clung to food. It was my soul comfort when dealing with the anxieties of seeing everyone in my classes and wondering what everyone was thinking about when they saw I had grown a double chin and had a metaphorical tyre hanging off my stomach. I ate and ate and ate…junk food, pots of nutella, kinder bueno bars, crisps, burgers…everything. The worst part was I couldn’t stop and was using the now residing glandular fever as an excuse.

However, one day it clicked for me. I remember that day clearly at school. I could see my cellulite covered legs moving as I walked, showing clearly through my opaque school tights. I felt aware of the fat roll on my stomach as I sat down on my chair in citizenship studies…I grabbed my scarf and tried to hide my tummy with it…like that was going to make me 4 stone lighter. When I got home from school that day and walked up my stairs, I got out of breath, the feeling of breathlessness after walking up 12 steps was the tip of the iceburg for me. I knew then and there that I could not under any circumstances live my life like this. From that day then it all changed…

I put myself in an immediate calorie defecit. I went from consuming roughly 10,000 calories in fat and sugar to consuming 1500 calories in protein. I signed up for a gym membership and got myself down the gym 5 times a week after my school day had finished. I aimed to burn 300-500 calories a day whether that was on the cross trainer, bike or rowing machine. That was my goal. I achieved that goal and since then I haven’t gone back to my past.

Don’t get me wrong I do fall off the healthy band wagon, but that’s because i’m human and I am allowed to have good days and bad days. But my behaviour changes when I don’t eat properly or drink enough water or exercise. I feel lethargic and down and get bad headaches from consuming the junk food. So when I fall off, I always remember to get back on….

I hope you enjoyed reading

Intent For Content

x

Love

Love is the most visible form of purity and happiness. Love shows the human kind as gentle and caring. Love breaks down our walls and opens our hearts. It makes us feel secure, warm and content. It is perfect, yet totally imperfect at the same time. A feeling that can surge our through our blood and create a beautiful form of euphoria…Love is a feeling that everybody craves and everybody imagines. Because when you have love you have wholeness.

Love is powerful. It can warm you up yet cool you down at the same time. Love can enter your head and your heart in such peculiar ways. It can motivate you, inspire you or crowd you and control you. Although pure…love can be dangerous.

Where and what we find love in is dangerous. Everyone wants to chase a feeling of euphoria. Whether we can induce it through somebody or something, we as humans love to feel happy and wanted and safe.

Love can change people, love most certainly is blind, love can hurt, love can control and belittle…

But love is great. Love is a treasure in a world full of dishonour. Love is a prize after we compete. Love is whole and strong…and pure.

Find love in everything not just people. Find love in the world, your family, your animals, your food, your friends, your life. Love surrounds us for it is the most visible form of purity and happiness.

I love love.

Intent For Content

x