I am a little scared today…I didn’t sleep much last night. I couldn’t, too much noise. The air raid siren went off at 7pm when we were having dinner and we ran to the bottom of the garden where our bunker is and we have been here ever since.
Mother keeps telling me it is going to be alright, that the horrible people that like destroying things and our home are going to stop being horrible one day. That we just have to stay here, in our bunker, with our books and games and horrible, cold beans that are coming out of a tin and wait, wait to be told it is over. I know Alysia is right when she says we musn’t complain, and I wouldn’t understand the half of what is going on but I do. I know I’m her little brother and it’s easier to say that to me, but I can see what they see.
I can see the war outside. I can, how can I not?
I miss father. I miss him reading to me before bed, or kicking the ball about our garden after I’ve finished all of my maths puzzles ready for school. I wonder where he is, I wonder if he is ok…if he is hurt. My god diary I miss him, do you think he got my letter? I sent it 2 weeks ago now but I haven’t heard back. Oh what do you know you’re just a piece of paper at the end of the day, I’m so silly. I know he’s busy anyway…but I miss him…we all do.
My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…
I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.
I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…
Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.
When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…
I walked down the steep stair case into the little room…
I saw the black, leather chair I was about to lie on for the hour. Everything was clean and sterile, like a weird hospital room in a movie, but with a kinder feeling to it. There were pretty pictures and drawings entwining with eachother perfectly, flowing around the room until they joined back to the beginning.
My first tattoo was of course a stereotypical quote, haha. I loved the quote and know I always will, the italics made an elegant touch on my thigh. The pain wasn’t too bad just an uncomfortable feeling.
People have there different opinions when it comes to inking your body because of course it is a permanent choice (unless you get lazer removal, the joys of modern technology!) .
Personally I love the thought of tattooing your body because it is somewhat a memory of a time in your life, like a past time. Some tattoos have a deeper meaning such as names of people and quotes which link to peoples real lives. I love the self expression that comes with inking, it is your choice and your decision. When you put it into perspective tattooists are so talented.
Comparison is something that is always on my mind, Im always comparing myself thinking that I’m nothing compared to others, I pick apart my appearance and what makes me happy because of the way others look. It’s crazy that I actually allow myself to do this and cause myself unhappiness.
I thought it was just me until I was watching the tv last night. It was a dating programme. I was listening to these women talking about there past relationships. They had been cheated on and I was listening to them blame theirselves and question their appearance. I watched them crying as they spoke about comparing theirselves to the other person, it is not fair that women and maybe even men are made to feel like this either by another person or social media.
But what can help? I think about how I handle comparison…I handle it awfully. It sends me into a zone of insecurity I constantly look at the person I’m comparing myself to and think the worst.
However this week I feel as if I have had a break through within myself after constant doubting. I think my main source of happiness comes from exercise. I mean it takes a lot of motivation to get me into the gym but once I’m there I am happy and always try my best…then I leave satisfied with endorphins bouncing off of me. This week I haven’t thought so many disgusting thoughts about myself and my appearance which is what is normally bombarding my head and my heart. I have been exercising, taking care of myself and working. Now I sit here and write this post I am feeling content about me as a person, I am doing ok, I am doing better…and now I feel I know what to do if I am ever feeling down about myself. That is to exercise. However, I don’t expect to be completely clear of comparison.
To give anyone any advice. Although everyone is different. Never blame yourself for others actions and find an outlet that makes you happy and doesn’t involve others…