Its time to say hello

Hey! I am Tatiana Murray (Tatz for short) and this is my blog, Intent for Content. I have kept my name annoymous for over a year now but I am ready, ready to open my life completely to anyone who may stumble across my blog, accidentally or on purpose. I feared how people who know me would react, would they laugh at my stories, my experiences or my little anecdotes? but I no longer care. Welcome to my world! this is me….

A bit about me, where do I even start!

I am 19 years old, I go to University and I am studying English Literature and Creative Writing (which explains some of my maybe deeper more emotional posts). I love to read, love to exercise – but also eat 900 krispy kreme donuts in one sitting, I started this blog over a year ago now and the response via the viewers i’ve gotten has been amazing! I have loved connecting with people from across the world and I love this kind of community, even though sometimes what I publish could go down well or the opposite. I have always been in touch with writing and even more so now I am doing a degree dedicated to improving the way I write…I am obsessed with documenting everything, I film and log my life every day (maybe I should be a youtuber and not a blogger ahahah) because making memories is so important…especially if you’re ever having a down day.

I sometimes wear makeup and I sometimes don’t, I am sometimes pale yet sometimes tanned, I sometimes have short hair but sometimes its long, I sometimes put weight on and sometimes I don’t and I am ALWAYS happy, but sometimes sad. I cherish my family and friends and I cherish the moments with more money and with less and that is how I make life the best.

So to finish my little introduction here are some photos to flick through – there will be many more… Thank you so much for reading… this has been,

Intent for Content, By Tatiana Murray

x

Is it disrespectful to like girls photos when you are in a relationship…

Relationships can be challenging at times without the affects of social media, especially when establishing boundaries between whats acceptable and respectful towards your significant other. Social media could just be a problem for the younger generation and there partners as we are always glued to our phones and have been raised in the generation that social media has got bigger and bigger…and bigger.

A popular topic for debate is social media, in particular apps such as Instagram and Facebook. There are so many other people, friends and acquaintance’s posting there best angles and prettiest filters, as well as there figures for everyone to see. Innocent actions such as posting a photo or a video can trigger anger, jealousy or sometimes insecurity when these posts are liked by those in a relationship and opinions are definitley mixed when talking about it. Is it stupid to be angry at something online? Should it really be a cause for accusations? Is the argument justified?

What do you think?

Personally, if I was in a relationship (which im not – im very single, however very happy!) this wouldn’t bother me…I mean it bothered me when my ex partner slept with other people, not so much the liking photos haha. I put social media in a seperate box to the real world, even though I do get insecure I wouldn’t say that my partner liking another womans photo is justification for arguments and potentially ruining a good thing but I can understand why people can be affected by it.

I was thinking a lot about it so asked around and one of the reasons that affected some people was the insecurity when seeing that there boyfriend/girlfriend has liked someone of the opposite sex photo. I was told by someone that it affects them because the person who has posted the photo can see who has liked it which triggers insecurity in there mind. I can empathise with this point of view because feeling insecure and needing support in your relationship is valid by all means, and if social media responses causes this then it is understandable.

My take on the gym

Okay, so…the dreaded gym. Well it’s not dreaded when you begin going and start enjoying yourself… I tell fibs.

However, recently when I have been in the gym I have been forming somewhat an opinion – or actually lets call it an observation on people.

For example…Makeup?! How on earth can some women wear a full face of makeup, full on contour, lipstick, eyeshadow and eyelashes to workout in? honestly do they not sweat like me? I look like a whale that has surfaced onto the pavement when I exercise. My face goes bright red and I sweat an excessive amount. If I was to wear makeup to the gym I could open a bakery from all of the cake coming off of my face. – I’m so envious that these women can wear that and look utterly perfect whilst working out, it’s not fair!

Another observation I found yesterday was the leg press. Now, we all have a little rest on the leg press machine because, erm its difficult! but this guy was full on sat on the leg press machine for 30 minutes on his phone – then there is me free willy trying to make eye contact so I can go on it and get what I needed to do done – you see I like to go to the gym as quickly as possible haha. But he literally did not move for the duration of his time on the leg press. There was not one leg extension or even so much of a movement, apart from his thumbs on his mobiles keyboard!

I love watching the men have testosterone wars though (I don’t observe from the leg press just to add). They all stand before the big gym mirrors, pumping there shoulders and chests as much as possible…maybe to assert authority to one another, i’m not sure. But I just find it interesting to watch because I myself would never flex in the gym mirror – I mean I only have cellulite to flex at the moment but it still counts!

My last observation would be getting side tracked by how some people look flawless whilst working out. They literally have the perfect form, perfect gym wear and know exactly what they’re doing. It shys me away from the weight area because I get worried i’m going to break my back or make myself look like a complete twat…I do my weight lifting when no one is around to avoid the embarrassment…I have also decided that I need to invest in some cool “gym goer” gym wear, just for the added affect…

Thank you for reading as always – I also am loving the communication on instagram – My follower count isn’t high but I like that you all interact with me on there! @intentforcontent

Intent For Content

x

Solitude – Creative Writing Stories University

My solitude had grown wary but today, yes today was the day where I would change that, finally. Today is the day where I tell you my story, the story that has brought me to this place and time to tell you all from a different world…

I had every-thing people would dream and describe happiness is. The diamonds, the cars, the watches, the latest technology and lets not forget the mansion. I had everything that society says can bring peace and happiness, I had money and security. But I didn’t have him. 

I was alone with everything we had built together. I would wake up with the pain of what had happened and an empty space next to me as I turned over. This was, every…single…day. I stopped smiling, laughing, dancing and cooking in the kitchen amongst all of the quirky hanging signs we had picked out together. I was a demoralising presence to be around. Yet I couldn’t change. They say heartache is meant to get better, eventually one day, but it wasn’t going to for me.

I watched them kill him. Watched them propel the knife back and forth, immediately penetrating through his skin and into his body. They had a hold of me. I kicked and shoved and bit with all of my might trying to get them off me, trying to get to him, my love, my life, before it was too late. My wail was piercing, I wanted them to do something, anything, stop it. They could of taken everything off of me; the diamonds, the cars, the watches and the mansion. I wouldn’t of cared…but they took him. The piece of my life that matched my heart and soul. The piece that took me as far away from the solitude that wore thin in my eyes and my heart from gut wrenching loneliness. I saw him struggling, saw him helpless, I saw him losing his breath, I saw him look at me as he was dying before my eyes. I saw his lips mouth “I love you” before he collapsed to the floor with nothing left to save him. I saw him die. 

They did that to him. They did that to us. Those four men whom had been hired as hit men to solve a drug insolvency. Those four men that were idiotic enough to be involved in a murder, let alone the murder of an honest innocent man. My man. Destroyed his life and mine. They slaughtered him as if he was nothing, they didn’t listen to my scream. They weren’t going to hear us out, there mission was to kill.

I waited approximately five hundred and two days in solitude before it grew wary. I was in unbelievable pain, silence and loneliness every day. Nothing I did was good enough, absolutely nothing took the pain away. Only he could. I needed to be with him, I couldn’t go on without him. I wanted the security and happiness that oozed off of his character back. I needed him. 

Which is why on that dark dreary day in Wolverhampton I decided my solitude was over, it had worn thin… 

I was found hanging from the balcony in my mansion, surrounded by the riches and lavish things in a home we had built together. I had so much going for me, we had so much planned for our future, yet it was all destroyed. Only to be found by that mail man the next morning. It was over. That’s it, that’s my story. That is how I died, wanting to be with him. 

Across the Ocean

In June my best friend and I decided to book a trip across the ocean. We wanted to relax by a pool with the sweltering but beautiful heat hitting our skin turning our milk bottle complexions into pretty olive skin. We wanted to eat and drink and visit the seaside and be happy and at peace from reality for the week. And we did. Turkey was the most incredible holiday ever. I am so glad we booked to go, I wish we had made the decision to stay longer because I could’ve been there for weeks let alone 7 days…which in reality is 5 days due to travelling across the ocean and onto roads whilst catching up on the time difference and tanning routine.

When we arrived in Alanya Turkey we instantly felt the heat hit our faces. Obviously English weather is a tad bit different because it is either raining, freezing cold or we have had a couple days of dry weather, so we were in tracksuits equipped to walk the English streets, not the Turkish ones haha. After the boring bits were completed like passport control (which for anyone wondering about Turkey, you have to purchase a visa to enter the country beforehand online), and our airport transfer. We arrived at side crown sunshine.

The hotel was amazing, it was beautifully lit and had a bar, water fountain and indoor and outdoor seating areas. It was dark when we got there so we looked out from the balcony and saw the pool lit up and the sun loungers just waiting for us. Dinner was being served in the all inclusive resorts resturant, we realised it was mostly German and Polish orientated food…apart from the baclava (my FAV dessert) which I filled up on immediatley.

The resort at night time when standing by the pool

We spent the rest of the week sunbathing, laughing, mucking around, watching the shows in the evenings, eating and sleeping. Much to the Germans delight, who didn’t take a shining to us as the only English people there. That was the only negative I would say about the holiday. The resort was dominated by those whom had come from Germany, they would stare at us both and judge our every move. One night a woman physically moved away from us in disgust. It was quite confusing as I always treat everybody the way I like to be treated; I always smile, hold doors open, say please and thank you and help when help is needed. So I was quite shocked to be judged in that kind of way.

However, we didn’t let it affect us to the point where it ruined our holiday. We still had the best time and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Side Crown Sunshine in Alanya served us well…me a little too well as I try to burn off the pancakes, ice cream, turkish rice and baclava now I am back in the U.K….

My favourite parts of the holiday were definitley watching the shows in the evening whilst drinking vodka lemon and when we went to the beach during the day. My mum always did call me a water baby and I have always loved the sea…especially when it is super choppy with waves as you can have more fun diving into them or trying to avoid them. I also loved the fact that I was stress free and completley confident for the week I was out there. Maybe it was because no one there knew me so it helped.

Trying to master balancing and breathing in on the wall outside our room – a talent for the CV in my opinion haha.

I was truly content in Turkey. It was the perfect way to book end the summer season before I began at university…and make some memories I will always remember.

Intent For Content

x

Contentment

My views on contentment have completley changed these past few months. I feel like without realising I was searching for someone to feel whole. However , I have learnt that you don’t need somebody to feel whole or content…

I hadn’t really taken a step back to look at how my life was because I was engulfed in a routine of not being alone, spending time alone or thinking alone. That was the routine I thought I liked or the one I was forced into. But life for me isn’t like that now.

I have fallen in love with my own routine and my own life all over again. I love snuggling up at night by myself and watching tv before I go to bed in my own bedroom, with my own thoughts. I love going to the gym alone and swimming or sitting in the steam room alone. I love the fact that I have my independance back as it was stolen from me and replaced was a shell of the woman I am now. I was being supressed which in exchange made me depressed . I had no plans for my future however now I know I have a future. I am strong and resilient and kind to others and myself…I am so glad that I am back…

Extracting the bad out of your life is a huge step towards contentment and learning that contentment is found within yourself is another point to remember. Don’t get me wrong I love the people I have surrounding me, because they are the right people, they can make me laugh and smile and take any pressure I might be feeling away. They are kind and helpful and provide me with a metaphorical place I can call home. They contribute to my contentment inside and out and I am grateful they exist.

When it boils down to it…at the end of the day, you are you and always will be so it is important to find contentment your own way…

Lots of love

Intent for content x

Weightloss

Have you ever felt pressured to lose weight? Ever been on a massive 7 day binge, eating anything and everything that falls on your pathway…or maybe felt like you need to lose 5 pounds before you agree to a date with that girl or guy? Whatever it is I understand. I have been there and still go back there. Sometimes the easier option is to swing into mcdonalds or eat copious amounts of french stick with butter…yum!

Now, a bit about me and how my journey became my journey!…

I have always struggled with my size from a young age, I never really knew when to say no to food or what was good for me and what wasn’t. However, I was active and did things such as bike riding, horse riding, swimming and always got dragged on bloody 10 mile dog walks with my mum…much to a younger girls delight!

My severe weight gain came when I was diagnosed with glandular fever. I had it very badly and couldn’t even find the energy to get out of bed some days because my body felt so weak that it was a challenging task. The tonsilitis was probably the worst part…as well as catching any germ that surfaced itself, as it would completely wipe my body out to unbearable extents. This is where the weight began to pile on badly. Where I wasn’t exercising and was constantly cooped up in doors…like a chicken in its hutch at night time, I filled a void with food. I didn’t have many friends during my time with glandular fever as they were all at school socialising, so I felt very much alone… which was also a contributing factor to gaining weight, as cheesy pasta became my best friend. The photo to the left of this paragraphs shows me at a whopping 17 stone which converted is 107 kg and 238 pounds. I was only 15 years old. This was an extremely bad weight to be at, especially at such a young age.

When it was time for me to ease back into school as my glandular fever was becoming weaker and my immune system was becoming stronger, I clung to food. It was my soul comfort when dealing with the anxieties of seeing everyone in my classes and wondering what everyone was thinking about when they saw I had grown a double chin and had a metaphorical tyre hanging off my stomach. I ate and ate and ate…junk food, pots of nutella, kinder bueno bars, crisps, burgers…everything. The worst part was I couldn’t stop and was using the now residing glandular fever as an excuse.

However, one day it clicked for me. I remember that day clearly at school. I could see my cellulite covered legs moving as I walked, showing clearly through my opaque school tights. I felt aware of the fat roll on my stomach as I sat down on my chair in citizenship studies…I grabbed my scarf and tried to hide my tummy with it…like that was going to make me 4 stone lighter. When I got home from school that day and walked up my stairs, I got out of breath, the feeling of breathlessness after walking up 12 steps was the tip of the iceburg for me. I knew then and there that I could not under any circumstances live my life like this. From that day then it all changed…

I put myself in an immediate calorie defecit. I went from consuming roughly 10,000 calories in fat and sugar to consuming 1500 calories in protein. I signed up for a gym membership and got myself down the gym 5 times a week after my school day had finished. I aimed to burn 300-500 calories a day whether that was on the cross trainer, bike or rowing machine. That was my goal. I achieved that goal and since then I haven’t gone back to my past.

Don’t get me wrong I do fall off the healthy band wagon, but that’s because i’m human and I am allowed to have good days and bad days. But my behaviour changes when I don’t eat properly or drink enough water or exercise. I feel lethargic and down and get bad headaches from consuming the junk food. So when I fall off, I always remember to get back on….

I hope you enjoyed reading

Intent For Content

x